davinci robot

FLORENCE, ID – The OR staff here at Idaho Regional Medical Center is buzzing with the news that the hospital’s only da Vinci robot was used today for an orthopedic procedure, something which is expressly stated in the user’s manual to completely void the manufacturer’s warranty.

davinci robot
“The perfect sandwich..crafted in a simple 8 hours”

The orthopod, Dr. Bruiser Monkeywrench, had planned to perform a posterior approach to the knee for a contracture release, a procedure which requires careful dissection.  “I knew this had to be done with a steady hand and surgical finesse,” he explains, “so naturally I couldn’t use my Stryker Saw to get down to the joint.  I had to get creative and think of some way to carefully dissect.”

His creativity was sparked when he walked by the Urology OR and saw the da Vinci robot parked in its usual spot, just solving world hunger and mending the economy, like it usually does when it’s not otherwise occupied.

“To be honest, at first I thought it was a laser,” he admitted.  “I figured lasers are pretty sweet, and spine surgeons use them to cure back pain through a one-centimeter incision, so I figured I could use this laser machine to get into the posterior knee and just zap the capsule open that way.”

What Monkeywrench did not realize, is that it is not, in fact, a laser.  Additionally, by failing to read the user’s manual, he did not learn that on page one it is expressly stated that any and all orthopaedic usage of the da Vinci robot completely voids the manufacturer’s lifetime warranty on this $2 million machine.  In fact, later on in the manual it goes on to list 37 different ways that an orthopod can void the warranty, including but not limited to, ” “touching, petting, stroking, fornicating with, breathing on, looking at, thinking about, or even being in the same room as the robot.”

When Monkeywrench was approached by the hospital administration to explain how he would rectify the situation, he feigned ignorance.  “Wait…” he began with a look of genuine confusion on his face.  “Hold up, you mean it’s not a laser?”

“No,” they replied.  “It is a robotic surgeon… and you broke its robotic arm in a fit of rage when you discovered wouldn’t ‘shoot the lasers’ because it was ‘mad at you.’  Now we can’t even get it fixed because you voided the warranty.”

“Wait, broken arm??” Monkeywrench paused.  “Now you’re speaking my language!  I can fix that.  Is he NPO?  Put him in OR 5 and call the Stryker rep, I’ll have a plate on there in no time!”

  • Dr. Ill N. Fill III

    "The eldest son of Ill N. Fill Jr, M.D., a widely renowned carpenter (who also happened to have a medical degree), Dr. Fill III is a self-proclaimed "O.G.". He has never paid to be a "Top Doctor" however, he bears the title of "illinest doctor East of the Mississippi" and is "the popularest guy in the OR". He is very good at drilling holes in bones, and filling those holes with titanium screws. He loves to drill, and to fill. He has even drilled and filled before morning rounds, and once during a carpal tunnel release. He is best known for holding his drill sideways, a technique he has described and submitted (unsuccessfully) to multiple journals under the title "Gangsta". When he is neither drilling nor filling, Dr. Fill III likes to listen to hardcore 90's rap while writing articles for Gomerblog, which allows him to channel all the rage that other services create inside of him when they try to "cramp his style" and keep him from drilling and/or filling. His favorite pasttime is "power tools." That is also what he wrote down for "favorite food," "favorite color," and "sex." He may or may not be illiterate. But he sure can drill a hole.

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