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Maria Sharapova shriek
“Wow, I really am obnoxiously loud”

FLUSHING, NY – In the fourth game of the third set, Sharapova unleashed a powerful forehand winner with a shriek so piercing it caused otic hemorrhage for everyone in attendance at Arthur Ashe Stadium.  Even Sharapova was unable to tolerate the blast wave of her own scream, her left ear drum exploding, blood flowing out her ear canal, down her face, arm, and clothing.  Play was momentarily halted while ball boys and ball girls gowned up and toweled down the puddles by the service line.  In one spine-chilling screech, the five-time Grand Slam winner told the world that she was back and louder than ever.  Ticket holders for Sharapova’s next-round match have been instructed to bring both their tickets and noise-cancellation headphones.  U.S. Open officials are also taking appropriate precautions by bolstering ENT staff and stocking up on 4″ x 4″ gauze.  Her post-match hemoglobin was 7.1.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.
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