WOONSOCKET, RI – Stepping up to the plate to help combat the ongoing opioid epidemic, CVS Pharmacy has adopted a new opioid policy that will limit opioid prescriptions to 7 days and prioritize the use of immediate-release formulations over extended-release, unless the person says “Pretty please?!” or something to that effect in which case the policy can be overridden and then you can have whatever opioid you want at whatever dose and whatever quantity.

“The opioid crisis killed 33,000 Americans in 2015 alone so it’s absolutely the right thing to do to limit access to opioids to those who absolutely need it and limit not only the prescription length but strength,” explained CVS Health CEO Larry Merlo in an exclusive interview to Gomerblog.  “So if I’m a pharmacist dispensing Percocet or Dilaudid to a patient, I will absolutely refuse to give a 30-day supply unless, of course, the patient says ‘Pretty please?!’ and offers to be my best friend.  After that, I’ll give whatever he or she wants.  But outside of that one scenario, no opioids, no ifs ands or buts.”

The new CVS opioid policy is in alignment with the opioid-prescribing guidelines issued last year by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) where they specifically described how it is absolutely crucial to limit a patient’s daily dosage of any painkiller to 90 morphine milligram equivalents (MMEs) with the exception being that the patient is pretty rad or you’re in a really generous mood in which case go absolutely f**king nuts.