SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Realizing that there was no other way around what would otherwise be four hours of misery, lanky and long-limbed 6′ 10″ passenger Ian Phillips asked one of the flight attendants if he could get an epidural before he squeezed his unsqueezable body into his unforgiving middle economy seat.
“Look, it’s a reasonable request, I just want effective pain relief for this long, cross-country flight,” insisted Phillips towards the Atlanta-based Delta crew, who looked at him with puzzled eyes. This was the first time anyone has ever heard such a request from a passenger, male, or both. “At least I’m not asking for general anesthesia, I want to be somewhat conscious for this flight, hence the epidural… I just want to be numb from the waist down… Actually, wait… Can you do general anesthesia?”
The Delta flight crew could not provide general anesthesia, and they didn’t want to ask if Anesthesia was on board since they were still bitter and blamed them for the Falcons loss in Super Bowl LI. This was unfortunate news for Phillips.
“Please, please help me…” Phillips started to cry, lamenting how Olympic gymnasts are neither flexible nor nimble enough to fit into a middle economy seat, let alone a person of Phillips’ physical characteristics. “My knees will be rammed into my eye sockets because that’s the only place they’ll fit, and then my back will hurt because of all the strain, and my femurs will bend, even snap if I don’t have enough leg room. And that’s if I don’t have a bag underneath the seat in front of me!”
Passengers in first class could even hear Phillips wailing, “My coccyx, my poor, poor coccyx!”
In other news, the passenger in window seat 24A had already made the executive decision, should the scenario come up, to piss her pants if the other two people in her row fall asleep before she has to go.