FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA – Though Thanksgiving dinner took place one week ago today, serum tryptophan levels are finally receding and Americans are emerging from their post-prandial comatose states of utter futility and will attempt to engage with nature and society once more.
“Yaawwwwwwnnnnnnnn…” sounded each American as he or she stretched his or her body, muscles twitching for the first time after 168 hours of slumber. The nation’s eye crust levels are at dangerously high levels, as is dried saliva at the corner of America’s mouth. “Phewwwww!!! How long was I out for?!”
According to the American Academy of Neurology (AAN), America’s Glasgow Coma Score (GCS) was holding steady at 3 from Thanksgiving evening up until about 8 AM this morning. Neurologists are optimistic and expect to see that score climb a few notches by day’s end.
To this day, neurologists are still baffled by the ability of human beings to interact with other human beings on Black Friday, albeit in a potentially sadomasochistic way, despite having a functional state that is as close to death without actually being dead. Most neurologists believe people shopping on Black Friday are actually sleep walking. However, as one critical care specialist told us, “The search for a bargain on Black Friday is more powerful than any vasopressor or inotrope we have. But once the bargains recede, so do the brain waves.”
Admittedly, Americans are still a bit sluggish, yawning at no fewer than 20 times per minute. The random scratching of different parts of the body and a pot of coffee will help jumpstart things a bit.
T-minus 3 hours until Americans speak their first intelligible word since arguing with loved ones Thanksgiving night.
In other news, Americans are expected to start doing the dishes as early as tomorrow since they hadn’t gotten around to it yet and the stench is starting to get a bit unbearable.