HOUSTON, TX – If you ever thought that our solar system has a funky smell but could never figure out what it was, you’re not alone. The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has discovered that the smell is none other than flatulence, the direct result of lactose intolerance suffered by our own Milky Way galaxy.
“It’s unfortunate for the Milky Way, considering she has gone all of these billions of years without having any issues eating ice cream or cheese,” said NASA astronomer Ben Navarro, his face scrunched from the malodorous stench emanating from our galaxy. “That’s just too bad, with the galaxy being named the Milky Way and all.”
Typically galaxies develop lactose intolerance in their teen years. The Milky Way thought she was in the clear, but unfortunately it looks like a case of late-onset disease. The Milky Way first noticed issues with abdominal cramping, flatulence, and diarrhea when it went out and split a pizza with close friend Andromeda late last week.
“Milky looked awful, running to the bathroom every few minutes,” commented Andromeda, who unfortunately is afflicted with allergies to shellfish and carries a galactic-sized EpiPen (epinephrine) at all times. “You gotta feel for Milky: she absolutely loves, loves, loves dairy. This is gonna be one huge adjustment for her.”
The Milky Way will likely have to start taking lactase when she knows her meals will involve some degree of milk products, though it’ll likely require a heftier dose than what humans would normally need on Earth.