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emergency department butthurt exacerbation
Emergency staff trying to keep a severe butthurt patient alive

CHICAGO, IL – “Move people, this guy’s crashing!” EMTs yelled, asking everyone to get out of their way as they aggressively carried 33-year-old Alexander Touchy-Feely into one of the trauma rooms so treatment could be initiated.

“What’s wrong?!” said emergency medicine attending Karen Li.

Butthurt exacerbation, one of the worst I’ve seen,” EMT Joey Roberts replied, who had secured both Touchy-Feely’s endotracheal tube (ETT) and cervical collar.  “Person was reading a Gomerblog post, post mentioned a gerbil but…”  Roberts contained himself, realizing he was started to get emotional.  “Sorry.  The post mentioned a gerbil, though clearly it was a picture of a hamster.”

“Good God, sounds horrible!”  Li had heard enough.

Butthurt is defined as an excessive or unjustifiable feeling of personal offense or resentment, and can vary from mild to extremely severe.  Higher serum 25-hydroxybutthurt levels correlate with more severe manifestation of butthurt.  Currently, there is no antidote for butthurt.  Treatment is primarily supportive.

Unfortunately for the patient Touchy-Feely, the hamster butthurt led to chest pain, shortness of breath, and rectal bleeding.  He called 911 but shortly thereafter was found down.  EMTs found him in a state of immediate shock: metaphorical, circulatory, and septic.  Patient was intubated in the field and transported to Chicago Medical Center.

In the ER, patient presented with hypothermia, hypotension, tachypnea, and hypoxemia.  Patient underwent central line placement before being started on multiple vasopressors.  Lab work revealed acute kidney injury, acute liver failure, troponin bump to 2.44, and lactate of 3.0.  Though a UDS and serum levels of aspirin, acetaminophen, and ethanol were negative, serum 25-hydroxybutthurt levels was 1,235,862 ng/mL (“through the roof”), all in keeping with a diagnosis of severe butthurt exacerbation.

According to ICU attending Devin Winters, the patient remains in critical condition.  “Butthurt,” Winters said, shaking his head.  “It’s the new silent killer.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.