Ensure Keg
“Keg stand! Keg stand! Keg stand!”

LAKE BLUFF, IL – You spoke and they listened: Abbott Laboratories, maker of nutritional supplements, has announced that their product Ensure is now available in a 15.5 gallon keg form.

“Ensure consumers are a loyal fan base and they keep wanting more and more,” said Abbotts Laboratories spokesperson Miranda Ahn.  “Ultimately they wanted this sized Ensure.  Anything short of that would’ve been a failure in ours fans’ eyes.  Failure is never an option.”

For those who want to know the math, an new keg is the equivalent of 248 8-oz Ensures.  One keg will be packed with 54,560 calories, 1,488 grams of fat, 3,720 grams of sugar, and 2,232 grams of protein.

“That’ll be one helluva nutritional keg stand, I’ll tell you what,” explained hospital-based nutritionist Constantine Lowe, whose albumin is 4.0.  “All we need is a Boost ice luge and can have one hell of a protein-calorie party.” 

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.