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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) is modifying the Apgar score to an Apgar(t) score in which troponins will be checked on a newborn infant both 1 and 5 minutes after birth.

“One of the greatest accomplishments in modern medicine is our ability to check troponin levels on anyone irrespective of diagnosis, so it is only fair that newborn infants are included in this process,” explained ACOG spokesperson Dr. Olivia Chung-Patterson. “You’ve noticed babies often cry when they’re born. That’s why we need the trop check. We really need to rule out MI.”

This is bad news for babies, as the likelihood of negative troponins is next to nil due to the sensitivity of the test, so it will make it that much harder for babies to score a perfect score.

The Agpar score, which was developed by Virginia Apgar in 1952, allows for standardized assessment for the fetal-to-neonatal transition. By adding 1 and 5 minute troponins after birth, it will ensure the baby becomes quickly acclimated to what will become a lifetime of unnecessary troponin testing.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.