WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an aggressive effort to mitigate the spread of novel coronavirus COVID-19, Purell has launched no fewer than 20 hand sanitizing missiles at regions of the United States most affected by the outbreak.
“We have three Purell missiles scheduled to detonate over New York City and Boston in T minus 45 seconds in the hopes of mass sanitizing everyone’s hands and neutralizing this nasty virus once and for all,” said Nathan Balls, a spokesperson for Gojo Industries, which manufactures Purell. “Eight missiles are en route to the Pacific Northwest and California, please stand by.”
The warheads for Purell’s intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs) will contain 80% ethyl alcohol to help disinfect all hands and surfaces within a several mile radius, and 20% aloe to help keep American citizens’ hands soft in the seconds, minutes, and hours after the blast.
Purell hopes to have missiles launched at all 50 states within the next 48 hours.
“It is true that initial demand from consumers did wipe our product off the shelves in February and March. However, the main reason the shelves haven’t been restocked is we had to emergently reroute the supply to fuel our disinfecting ICBMs,” Balls told Gomerblog.
Seconds later, he added: “New York City, brace for impact.”
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