ATLANTA, GA – In an effort to improve diagnostic yield and address the issue of false test results both positive and negative, new guidelines from the Centers for Disease Control & Preventions (CDC) now recommends swabbing all of patient’s orifices simultaneously for Covid-19.

“If you have a patient with symptoms concerning for coronavirus and the nasopharyngeal swab is negative that’s one thing,” explained Director of the CDC Robert R. Redfield. “But if that same patient has a negative left nasopharyngeal swab, negative right nasopharyngeal swab, negative bilateral eye and ear swabs, negative umbilical swab, negative colorectal and vaginal swabs, negative urethral swab, you have to feel confident the patient is truly negative. Or if all the orifices are positive, then that’s really concerning.”

The CDC recommends using a new swab for each orifice. For now, at least.

“If we run into the situation, say this coming fall and winter, where we are experiencing a shortage of medical tests, then we may have to be frugal and use one swab for every orifice,” added Redfield, immediately shuddering at the thought. “Let’s pray it doesn’t come to that. And if it does, let me recommend that we swab from top to bottom and not from bottom to top.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.