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BOSTON, MA – A landmark, peer-reviewed study published earlier today in the New England Journal of COVID-19 suggests that the cure for novel coronavirus, better known as Covid-19, is most likely in the same elusive vortex, parallel universe, or alternate dimension that contains all of our missing pens. That’s bad news considering we haven’t found our pens. STILL.

In less than a year, there has been tremendous progress made in our understanding of Covid-19: the hyperexaggerated immune response in the form of cytokine storm, macrovascular and microvascular thrombi associated with a virus-induced hypercoaguable state, and the role of non-mask-wearers in contributing to human extinction. But despite those things, treatments are few, and a cure doesn’t yet exist.

“It’s the same thing with our pens,” explained infectious diseases physician Maryanne Rex, who has been paged every 26 seconds since the Covid-19 pandemic started. “We know so much, about how we can prevent the loss of pens by not sharing them, by protecting ourselves by carrying lots of pens, but we still aren’t any closer to a finding those pens even after decades and decades of searching.”

Many healthcare professionals believe that the shortage of pens has directly impacted the chase for a cure. “Doctors and scientists may get inspired or have an epiphany when they least expect it, not dissimilar to artists and musicians. I’m afraid that many potential cures for Covid-19 have been thought of, but because they didn’t have a pen to write it down the cures were forgotten and as a result the pandemic continues.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.