WASHINGTON, D.C. – In breaking news today, the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) has informed Gomerblog that prescriptions for Xanax and other anxiolytics have increased by 23,000,000% in the past week as Americans brace themselves for the day that has finally come: Election Day.
“According to the latest poll of polls, the current average heart rate of an American citizen is 110 beats per minute,” which according to Gomerblog’s Bureau of Statistics (BS) is the highest average heart rate entering into a presidential election, even when factoring in the 89% margin of error. “It’s no wonder Americans have been medicating themselves in record numbers in preparation for today, November 8.”
George Washington University psychiatrist Anders Capone attributes the phenomenon of skyrocketing anxiety medication prescriptions to the newly-discovered medical condition known as candidate pain (CP).
“The incidence of CP really picked up after the first presidential debate,” explained Capone, who plans to wean off of his Librium taper sometime around January 2017. “What’s interesting about CP is that it can cause chest pain, palpitations, headaches, nausea, vomiting, flank pain, bowel incontinence, really any symptom. Typical CP typically flares around the time of the debates, but atypical CP can arise anywhere in the election cycle.” According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), every American has been afflicted to some degree with CP. Americans have several candidates for election-induced tachycardia, and voters seem to be choosing anxiolytics over beta blockers.
According to the FDA, the prescriptions for Xanax, Klonopin, and Ativan are equally distributed among all Americans, independent of age, sex, ethnic background, state, or political affiliation. The FDA has suggested that if alcohol use is included, every citizen in the United States will be under some sort of sedating influence in order to prepare for whatever November 9 has in store.
In related news, both the FDA and political analysts anticipate an uptick in election-related drinking games on Election Day. EMTs, emergency room personnel, and other health care providers will be on high alert.
