NORFOLK, VA – Beloved anesthesiologist and master of puppets Dr. Thomas Kingston is currently undergoing treatment in the ICU after he presented with seizures secondary to presumed sudoku withdrawal.
“Dr. Kingston is intubated but thankfully responsive after receiving both an IV and rectal enema of sudoku puzzles,” pulmonary-critical care attending Dr. Olivia Cheeley said at a press conference earlier today. “We’re still in the thick of it but we expect he will pull through.”
Kingston is best known for his “Traveling Airway Puppet Show,” where he entertains the OR staff with his impressive array of handmade sock puppets from behind the drape. He is still in demand and touring regularly, with surgeons paying top dollar for him to be their anesthesiologist/entertainer.
“What people don’t realize about Kingston is that he loved sudoku just like the rest of us,” said close friend and fellow anesthesiologist Dr. James Robinson. “Which is what make this all the more surprising: Why did he stop doing sudoku? You never stop doing sudoku. Why, Tommy, why?!”
Symptoms and signs of sudoku withdrawal are strikingly similar to alcohol withdrawal including a parallel to delirium tremens called delirium sudoku (DS). Unfortunately whereas benzodiazepines can be effective therapy for those experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms, they are largely ineffective in patients withdrawing from sudoku.
“Treatment can include short-acting 3-x-3 grids, medium-acting 9-x-9 grids, or long-acting 24-x-24 grids,” says Cheeley, administering artificial sudoku tears to keep Kingston’s eyes lubricated. “The good news is that many of these agents can be given through any of a number of routes: PO, PR, IV, IM, SC, and IO. When he recovers, though, we’ll need to have a long talk about prevention.”
According to Cheeley, the easiest way for any anesthesiologist to avoid DS is to simply do one sudoku puzzle a day, simple as that.
In other news, to stave off any other concurrent hobby-related withdrawal, Kingston has been wrapped up in a blanket stitched of New York Times crossword puzzles.
