COLUMBUS, OH – A local hospital is trying a new, controversial but more efficient approach to medical care. “We have changed our guidelines, if you want Dilaudid you get Dilaudid, if you want Valium, you get Valium. No questions asked,” CEO Michael Shoemaker told reporters Wednesday.
In what experts are calling pure genius, emergency department utilization has never been better, costs have been severely cut down, and patient satisfaction scores are through the roof, a national high.
“I didn’t have to fake my seizure just to get that Xanax that I love so much!” read one comment card. “The new policy saved me hours on the day, I didn’t have to describe my abdominal pain and go through hours of tests, scans, and experts coming in to see me. I got my drug that starts with a ‘D’ [winks] and then I could go out and get things done,” said a smiling patient leaving the emergency department with pin-point pupils.
The hospital is now saving thousands of dollars on avoiding abdominal CT scans and MRIs. “Our radiology costs were out of control, as a 10-year supply of Percocet is still cheaper than an MRI. Simple economics,” Hospital CFO Charlie Daniels stated.
ED physician Jennifer Hillgis is very happy with the new rules saying, “America has the highest opioid use in the whole world, it’s time to just accept it and move on. Plus these drug seekers don’t take up any of my beds anymore. They come in, get their drugs, and go home. No more spitting at my staff or cussing me out because I’m denying them medication by looking out for their safety.” Dr. Hillgis was surprised that some patient’s allergies have literally disappeared overnight. “If we are out of Dilaudid then many people are ‘willing to try something else,’ even if they have a documented allergy for it!”
“If a patient asks for a medication, we now advice health care providers to not to ask why, or figure out the medical reason, we now suggest they ask what dose,” said administrator Shoemaker. “We keep the lawyers away by having patients sign a couple documents saying they probably will die taking medication without medical advice.”
The new program removes any liability from health care providers as patients are required to sign a consent that they have been counseled of the risks.
“Everyone is happy. I get the drug seekers out of my ED quickly and with what they want. We can ethically wash our hands clean and move on to patients with real disease.”
The hospitals hired a manager from local fast-food chain Burger King whose motto is “Have it your way” to facilitate this new style of medicine.
“It really is easier,” Nurse Samantha told reporters. “Now when a patient comes in they just tell me ‘I want some Lortab, please’ and I give them the dose and quantity they want.” She continued, “No need to lie or come up with excuses anymore. I just show them the package insert that says they might overdose and die if they take too much, and after showing them the warnings, I give them what they want. Done.”
Hospital personnel in Columbus are floored by the sudden memory gain of all their patients. “Everyone now knows what medication starts with a D.”
