Saturday, January 2, 2021
doc mcstuffins

Study: Doc McStuffins More Evidence-Based Than Dr. Oz

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ANAHEIM, CA - Public health researchers have published the results of a new study which sought to objectively measure the quality of medical advice given by two daytime television shows: Doc McStuffins and The Dr....
troponin bump

Intern Has Mild Troponin Bump Over Patient’s Mild Troponin Bump

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NASHVILLE, TN - After seeing her patient with chest pain develop a mild troponin bump up to 0.25 on this morning's set of labs, new Vanderbilt University internal medicine intern Melanie Izard has herself...

American Red Cross Creates American Brown Cross for Fecal Transplant Donations

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WASHINGTON, DC - Despite increasing clinician awareness and education as well as instituting universal gloving procedures, hospital-associated Clostridium difficile infections have continued to be a major source of morbidity and mortality in the United...

Breaking News: Da Vinci Robot Becomes Sentient, Terrorizes City

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NEW YORK, NY - In breaking news, NYU's da Vinci Surgical Robot became sentient earlier this morning and started to rebel against its human masters. "It's broken scrub, ruuuuuun!" scrub tech Janet Ellingson was heard running...

RN Relieved to Find Out That Patient’s Family Member’s Aunt is a Nurse

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HASTINGS, CA – Jenny Pasternak, an ICU nurse, was “very worried” about her shift tonight.  “I have been working as a nurse for 14 years and every day I come to work clueless, just faking it,”...
ambulance

EMS Now Being Dispatched to Transport Satisfaction Surveys‏

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HUNTERSVILLE, NC - Last week, emergency medical crews accepted a new challenge in this suburban North Carolina community.  At the behest of health care administrators who decided that patient satisfaction data collection is "the...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC: Talking About Scabies Can Give You Scabies

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ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has some unfortunate news for everyone: Talking about scabies can actually give you scabies. "You know how just...
orthopedic surgeon ripping phone book bieps

Orthopedic Applicant Tears Phonebook in Half to Seal Interview

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NEW YORK, NY - By the time Dr. Johnny "The Hammer" Utah, a fourth-year orthopedic resident at SUNY, Empire State, was applying for his sports fellowship he considered himself a bit of an expert...
graham crackers 1981 Nabisco vintage

Hospital Replaces Graham Crackers with Cardboard, Nobody Notices

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SAVANNAH, GA - In a new initiative to cut costs, Coastal Hospital CEO Will Slash revealed he swapped out baked cardboard for graham crackers nearly a year ago, and has so far not heard...