News-in-Brief

Short Articles for Your Short Attention Span

Ensure Keg

In Response to High Demand, Ensure Now Available in Keg Form

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LAKE BLUFF, IL - You spoke and they listened: Abbott Laboratories, maker of nutritional supplements, has announced that their product Ensure is now available...
woman gives up facebook

Breaking: Facebook Placed on Pressors to Fix Plummeting Stocks

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MENLO PARK, CA - With its stock value plummeting precipitously in the past 48 hours, Facebook has been started on pressors with lactated ringers...

Medical Subspecialty Headlines Show Captivation with Thai Soccer Team Rescue

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Everyone has been captivated and relieved with the unbelievable rescue of a Thai soccer team through the heroic efforts of the Thai Navy SEAL...

Breaking: Scott Pruitt Leaves EPA to Join Hospital Ethics Committee

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Donald J. Trump announced over Twitter this afternoon that Scott Pruitt will be leaving his leadership role as Administrator of...

Breaking: 1 in 500 Can’t Smell What The Rock is Cooking

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HAYWARD, CA - The Rock says it all the time: "Can YA SMELL-LALALALALALALLALALA-OWWWWWW what The Rock…. is cooking?!"  But can everyone smell what The...
curves Frank Starling

ACC/AHA: Check Out the Curves on Dr. Frank, Dr. Starling!!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - The American College of Cardiology (ACC) & American Heart Association (AHA) have issued a joint statement, telling people to look over...
bald eagle wig

Alopecia Fail: Embarrassed Bald Eagle Clearly Wearing a Wig

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ANCHORAGE, AK - Still not over the frustrating failure with Rogaine (minoxidil) in October 2017, our nation's symbol was spotted clearly wearing a wig...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Director Resigns, Becomes CEO of Tobacco Giant Philip Morris

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ATLANTA, GA - The Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) Brenda Fitzgerald has officially resigned her CDC post to become CEO of tobacco...

‘This 1500-Calorie Diabetic Renal Diet is Delicious!’ Said No One in the History of...

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COAST-TO-COAST, AMERICA - "Well, I'll be damned!  This low-fat, low-sodium, low-cholesterol, low-potassium, 1500-calorie, diabetic, and renal diet is absolutely delicious!" said no hospitalized patient ever...