Thursday, October 1, 2020

Emergency Medicine

So Sad: Charcoal Inactivated, Made DNR

BIRMINGHAM, AL - Telling a palliative care team that it lived a long and fruitful life, a small pile of activated charcoal is asking to be inactivated and made a DNR. ...

Bow Tie-Wearing ER Intern Immediately Ostracized by Peers

GREENVILLE, SC - An ER intern, Calvin McSpiffy, who showed up to work in a bow tie, has been immediately ostracized by his peers and sent home to think about what he's...
transporting patient

Gomer To Be Discharged From Medical Floor Soon As ER Bed Opens Up

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Ms. Roberta Flowers, well-known to Philadelphia General Hospital staff as a gomer, has successfully been treated for “pneumonia” and is ready to be discharged from the medical ward as soon as a bed...

ED Consults Vascular Surgery for “Pulseless Foot” on a Pulseless Human

Saint Louis, MO - Mr. James Rice originally presented to the John L. McClellan Memorial Veterans Hospital in Saint Louis with shortness of breath last Tuesday, but he was found to have a pulseless...
Super Mario 27 Bones

Breaking Bricks No More: Mario Shatters All 27 Bones in Left Hand

WORLD 3-2 - It looks like the cumulative lifetime effect of punching bricks has finally caught up to our favorite plumber: In an attempt to find 1-Up mushrooms and bank some extra lives, Super...
rich historian

Breaking: Patient is a Rich Historian, Perhaps the Best Historian Ever

PORTLAND, OR - In what is certainly a breath of fresh air, an ER physician was pleasantly surprised to discover that her patient wasn't a poor historian; in fact, she was a...
arterial line circle of willis CPR emergency department butthurt audacity code shift change prior authorization otherwise stable

Breaking: CPR Requires Prior Authorization

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In breaking news that will infinitely complicate the already difficult process of attempting to resuscitate a patient, cardiopulmonary resuscitation (or CPR) will now require prior authorization. The prevailing reaction to this news...
beginning runners pages tPA

Breaking: Code Team Pushes tPA to Lyse Clogged Toilet

DURHAM, NC - Acknowledging they were within the 4.5-hour window since symptom onset and had no other clear alternatives, a Code Team at Duke University Hospital pushed tPA in the hopes of lysing the clogged...
C-collar cervical collar neck brace

Med Student Struggling to Fit C-Collar onto Woman’s Cervix

BALTIMORE, MD - A first-year medical student at The Hoppin’ Johns University is struggling to place a woman's cervix into a C-collar this morning. "You plan to do what...
chest pain rule out toy elephant

Chest Pain Rule-Out: Patient with Stuffed Elephant Sitting on Chest

DANBURY, CT - A patient at Danbury Medical Center was admitted for chest pain rule out after he was complaining of a toy stuffed elephant sitting on his chest.