Emergency Medicine

cpr

Code Blue Also Code Brown

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NEW YORK, NY – According to multiple sources in attendance at, or rapidly emerging from, the cardiopulmonary resuscitation currently underway in room 1214, the ongoing Code Blue is most definitely also a Code Brown. “Mr....
natural dilaudid spring

Natural Dilaudid Spring Discovered in Alps; Drug Seekers Scramble for Climbing Gear, Airline Tickets

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GRINDELWALD, SWITZERLAND - A quaint Swiss town is experiencing the first wave of what is sure to be an epic boom in tourism this week, after news broke about a naturally-occurring spring rich in...
eternal life

New Study Shows Tammyflu Pills Provide Eternal Life

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Yesterday, Roach Pharmaceuticals announced the results of a new flu treatment study which is sure to change the course of the flu and life forever.  Their antiviral drug, which is...
patient survey

Nurses, Doctors Fight Back with New Health Care Practitioner Satisfaction Surveys

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NEW YORK, NY - Sick and tired of the unfair nature of patient satisfaction surveys that puts service above disease management, a multidisciplinary team of doctors, nurses, nurse practitioners, and physician assistants at New...
urine catheter

Forgot-to-Pee Syndrome Afflicting Millions of Health Care Workers

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WASHINGTON, DC - The Journal of the American National Society, Committee, and Association of Urinary Retention and Other Things Too (JANSCAUROTT) estimates that nearly 1 million medical providers are not only afflicted but also...
sick patient

Emergency Medicine Attending Fails to Admit Old Man, Resigns

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BLOOMINGTON, IN - Emergency medicine attending, Dr. Howard Rugers, announced his retirement yesterday after failing to find reason for admission for 95-year-old Herschel Levenstein, a resident at a local senior living apartment. "We hit him...
obesity epidemic

Amidst Obesity Epidemic, Task Force Creates Glasgow Food Coma Scale

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ATLANTA, GA - In response to the public health crisis of food comas resulting from the ongoing obesity epidemic, the 3N Joint Task Force, which is comprised of several of the nation’s leading experts...
atv craniotomy

NC Hospital Offers Discounted Craniotomy with ATV Purchase

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WINSTON-SALEM, NC - With hunting season fast approaching, a North Carolina hospital has made a controversial move: they have partnered with an ATV dealership to offer a discounted craniotomy coupon to purchasers of the...
cardiology updates

Cardiology Highlights in 2014

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Thirteenfold Therapy Increases Bleeding in Patients with Active Bleeding With the proliferation of antithrombotic agents available for the treatment of conditions like acute coronary syndrome, atrial fibrillation, and venous thromboembolism, there has been increased confusion...
red blood cells

Alternative Blood Bank Offers Homeopathic Blood Products

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PORTLAND, OR - More and more primary care physicians have been embracing the curative powers of alternative medicine in their practice.  Unfortunately, few options exist in critical care settings, where doctors have been forced...