Wow, That’s Bold: CDC Says ‘Zero People’ Will Catch the Flu This Year
ATLANTA, GA - Exuding tremendous confidence, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has announced that it plans on pitching a no-hitter this coming 2017-2018 influenza, proclaiming that zero people will catch the...
CDC Announces Mandatory Journal Club on Vaccines for All Americans
ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control announced in a press release today that they would be holding a mandatory journal club about vaccines. The anti-vax movement has continued to gain steam since The...
Vaccinations Now Definitively Linked to Pregnancy
BOSTON, MA - A new study just published in the Old England Journal of Medicine now definitively links childhood vaccinations to pregnancy. Jenny McCarthy, the paper’s sole author, stated after reviewing the data that...
It’s About Time: Trojan’s New Bulletproof Condoms to Protect Against STIs, Terrorists
NEW YORK, NY - Focusing 2017 research and development dollars on the final sentence of their tagline "Trojan. Pleasure you want. Protection You Trust.," Trojan has introduced a new line of bulletproof condoms that not...
Medical Specialties as Disney Characters
Anesthesia - Rafiki from The Lion King. Most of the rest of us have no clue what the hell you are doing with all the beeps and knobs and when we look it never...
Donald Trump’s Orange Complexion Due To ChloraPrep From Last Plastic Surgery
WASHINGTON, D.C - The U.S. Surgeon General accidentally revealed in a recent interview that President Trump’s skin tone is actually a normal shade of Caucasian. The orange hue of his face is actually due...
Why Not: CDC Recommends Adding Vanco & Zosyn to the Water
ATLANTA, GA - Finally accepting the reality that antibiotic stewardship among health care professionals is just a pipe dream, Acting Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Dr. Anne Schuchat officially...
CDC Reminder: ‘Sleep Tight and Definitely Do Not Let the Bed Bugs Bite’
ATLANTA, GA - Tonight, shortly after reading the public a bedtime story, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) wanted to say "Good night!" and issue a reminder to all Americans to "sleep tight,...
Purell Releases New Life-Sized Foaming Body Sanitizer
AKRON, OH - Realizing that clean hands was the tip of the iceberg, GOJO Industries, Inc. have announced their biggest and baddest Purell product yet: life-sized Purell Foaming Body Sanitizer.
Compared to its more diminutive Purell...
Honesty FTW! Physician Signs Note “Thanks for the Sh*tty Consult”
BOSTON, MA - Making no attempt to hide his obvious displeasure in what was a "late" and "totally bogus" consult, infectious diseases fellow Luke O'Cytosis just ended his note with the terse "Thanks for...