Internal Medicine

thoughts and prayers

Randomized Controlled Trial Finds #ThoughtsAndPrayers Superior to #Thoughts or #Prayers Alone

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BERKELEY, CA - A recent study of millennial patients diagnosed with chronic diseases found that social media posts with #ThoughtsAndPrayers were more effective than...

New Helmet for Spleen Allows Mononucleosis Patients to Play Contact Sports

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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Athletes afflicted with infectious mononucleosis, a disease caused by the Epstein-Barr virus and sometimes marked by splenomegaly, will soon be able to...
doc mcstuffins

Reality Star Doc McStuffins Opens Up About Physician Burnout

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ALBANY, NY - A stack of unfinished charts.  Overturned juice boxes.  An exhausted young physician, asleep on her desk, is awoken suddenly by her...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Wants to Remind Americans They Can Still Get Their Flu Vaccine Rectally

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ATLANTA, GA - With influenza activity expected to pick up in the next several weeks, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) wants to...

U.S. on COVID-19: “Help Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, You’re My Only Hope”

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TATOOINE - While cleaning his new R2-D2 droid after purchasing them from the Jawas, Luke Skywalker accidentally triggered a holographic recording of a desperate...

Brand New Futile Care Fellowship Created

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BOARDMAN, OH - St. Margaret Medical Center released news Thursday that a new cutting-edge fellowship training program would start. Dr. Peg Trachenline couldn’t hide her...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

COVID-19: CDC Recommends Not Listening to CDC Recommendations

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ATLANTA, GA - After receiving harsh criticism for its recommendation to resort to scarves and bandanas when facemasks are no longer available, the Centers...
woman gives up facebook

Breaking: Facebook Placed on Pressors to Fix Plummeting Stocks

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MENLO PARK, CA - With its stock value plummeting precipitously in the past 48 hours, Facebook has been started on pressors with lactated ringers...

It Took Over 3 Years, But ICU Team Finally Finishes Untangling All Those Lines

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SAN JOSE, CA - It took over 3 years and 7 months to do, but the intensive care unit (ICU) team at Holy Cross...

Criminals Decry “Cultural Appropriation” by Masked Civilians

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The latest CDC recommendations for all U.S. citizens to wear face masks when in public has created backlash from an unexpected quarter: career criminals. Long...