Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Pediatrics

Hospitals Now Joining Black Friday Frenzy

5
NEW YORK, NY - Black Friday is hitting America very soon.  Stores are now opening their doors almost immediately after millions of Americans finish off eating their pies on Thanksgiving Day where only the chosen are able...
doc

Doc McStuffins Forced to Resign Due to Dismal Patient Satisfaction Scores

36
ORLANDO, FL - Children across America are devastated after news broke today that Doc McStuffins will not be asked back for another season.  Disney execs announced yesterday that results from patient satisfaction surveys will...
monkeys jumping on the bed

After 9 Head Trauma Calls, The Doctor is ‘Furious’

0
BATTLE CREEK, MI – Family doctor, William Turncoat, was visibly upset after slamming the phone down.  "That’s the ninth time today I’ve told her… I tell her same thing every time.  You’d think after the second...

Mutated Pediatric Names Linked to Higher Mortality

82
ATLANTA, GA - The lead article in this month’s Journal of Pediatric Critical Care started with a few simple observations. "I had two patients in my ICU simultaneously," said lead author Dr. Jessica Kantor.  "Both...

Local Man Haunted by Crying Colic Baby

0
ATLANTA, GA – Local resident Ryan Foster, a 28-year-old bachelor and physical medicine and rehabilitation (PMR) resident, told GomerBlog he was currently haunted by a crying baby.  “It started happening a few months ago.  I...
crying infant

Crying Baby Really Trying to Say ‘I Hate You!’

4
NEW HAVEN, CT – A new study just published in Pediatrics this month demonstrated that countless parent’s suspicions and anxieties were absolutely correct: When infants cry, they really are trying to say, "I hate you!" The randomized double-blinded...
ketchup packet

Toddler Goldfish and Ketchup Diet Somehow Working

2
MASSACHUSETTS - A new study just released last week in the journal Nutrition demonstrated that the toddler goldfish and ketchup diet is somehow working; they just have no idea how.  The study was performed due to the...
APGAR 10 Apgart Apgar(t) troponin troponins

Breaking News! Baby Scores Perfect APGAR Scores of 10 and 10

5
ST. LOUIS, MO - GomerBlog is on the scene of breaking news coming out of Busch Hospital in St. Louis, Missouri.  Initial reports are indicating that a newborn baby girl has scored a perfect 10...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Plans to Move and Quarantine Unvaccinated Families

45
ATLANTA, GA - In a move that is sure to spark controversy and protest, the CDC released Proposition 23.4 yesterday which grants state governments the right to quarantine unvaccinated families.  According to the proposal, state...

Hospital Approves Giving Parents Medication Before Children’s Surgery

5
HOUSTON, TX - Last week, Children's General Hospital approved a new medication protocol to assist children undergoing surgical procedures.  Anxiolytic medication, such as midazolam, can now be administered to parents to children headed to...