Game On: Fitbit Raises Target to 10 Trillion Steps Per Day
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In what they're calling an inevitable but necessary update for our country, Fitbit, the maker of health and fitness activity trackers, now recommends that its users up their daily goal of...
10 Out of 10 Providers Annoyed Vaseline & Baseline Don’t Rhyme
ATLANTA, GA - Through a series of questionnaires and polls, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has uncovered a secret epidemic in which a startling 10 out of 10 health care professionals...
Tragedy: Mr. Potato Head Takes Own Life by Jumping into Fryer
BROOKLYN, NY - Unable to cope any longer after a lifetime of hospitalizations for recurrent organ detachment, beloved spud, 65-year-old Mr. Potato Head, has tragically claimed his own life, committing a gruesome suicide by...
True to Its Name: Life Savers Prevented 3 Million Deaths in 2017
CLEVELAND, OH - A survey conducted by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) has gotten everyone's attention as it revealed that Life Savers hard candies were responsible for preventing the deaths of 3 million...
CDC Director Resigns, Becomes CEO of Tobacco Giant Philip Morris
ATLANTA, GA - The Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) Brenda Fitzgerald has officially resigned her CDC post to become CEO of tobacco and cigarette-manufacturing company Philip Morris International, Inc. This takes place less than...
Telemedicine Doctor Probably Wearing Shorts, Possibly Only Boxers
BOCA RATON, FL -- Patients have long wondered what telemedicine provider Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram is wearing on the bottom half of his body during remote patient encounters via webcam, and an extensive Gomerblog investigative series...
Breaking: Anal Resection Now First-Line Treatment for Butthurt
CHICAGO, IL - In response to an exponential increase in cases of butthurt over the past several years, the American College of Surgeons (ACS) has published new guidelines recommending anal resection - either low...
Bitcoin Users Infected with Cryptocurrency Meningitis
ATLANTA, GA - Over the past month, volatile swings in bitcoin have led to an ominous halving of its value, which has thrown investors into a panic. Today digital currency and its faithful followers...
Tide Pods Found to Have Dangerously High Levels of Gluten and GMOs
CINCINNATI, OH – The recent uptick in teenagers intentionally eating Tide Pods has been garnering a lot of media attention lately, but the real danger has been virtually ignored. According to professional nutjob and snake...
Hospital Opens New Outdoor Wintertime Med-Surg Unit
BIRMINGHAM, AL - This winter season has been historically busy with influenza A wreaking havoc on health care systems, which are filled to the gills with the sickest of the sick from coast to...