Polar Vortex Advice: Urologists Recommend Setting Genitals on Fire for Warmth
LINTHICUM, MD - With the polar vortex forcing them to convene a rare emergency meeting, the American Urological Association (AUA) has issued new recommendations to the public, advising all Americans, Midwesterners in particular, to...
Breaking: Polar Vortex Blamed on Subzero OR Temperatures
SILVER SPRING, MD - Begging surgeons to keep operating room doors closed as much as possible, the National Weather Service (NWS) has cited the subzero temperatures of ORs in the Midwest as the source...
CDC Predicts 2019 New Year’s Resolution Noncompliance Rate of 100%
ATLANTA, GA - First, the Centers of Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) wants to wish everyone a Happy and Healthy New Year before it drops this depressing piece on y'all: Based on close analysis...
Breaking: Mr. Peanut Allergic to Himself
PITTSBURGH, PA - Unfortunate news today as the Kraft Heinz Company announced that one of its most beloved mascots, Planters' Mr. Peanut, has been diagnosed with a peanut allergy.
"This is a very unusual case...
That Can’t Be Good: Flu Swab Positive for C. Diff
ATLANTA, GA - In a highly-ominous sign suggesting this year's influenza season may be as bad or even worse than last year's, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has reported that an...
Johnson & Johnson Doubles Down With 100% Asbestos Baby Powder
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ - Despite stocks plummeting 11% after a Reuters report claimed the company knew asbestos has been in its baby powder for decades, Johnson & Johnson has doubled down by flooding stores...
FDA Approves of the Administration of Food & Drugs
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing numerous benefits such as satiating hunger, prolonging life, and treating diseases, the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) unanimously approved of the continued administration of both food & drugs to human...
Doctors Unanimously Decide to “Stay in Their Lane” as NRA Tweet Advised
WASHINGTON, DC - Thousands of Doctors who read the National Rifle Association (NRA) tweet to “stay in their lane” suddenly realized that the NRA was right. Maybe they should just stay in their lane.
“Most...
NFL Players Now Expected to Wash Hands Before, After Each Play
NEW YORK, NY - Keeping his promise to "Play Safe, Play Smart" and uphold player safety, National Football League (NFL) Commissioner Roger Goodell has implemented a new policy whereby NFL players are expected to...
CDC Wants to Remind Americans They Can Still Get Their Flu Vaccine Rectally
ATLANTA, GA - With influenza activity expected to pick up in the next several weeks, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) wants to remind Americans six months and older that there is still...