PENSACOLA BEACH, FL – Skip Sanders alternated between spearfishing and surfing, depending on the waves. Yesterday, an errant harpoon from his spear gun grazed a bull shark.
Despite the loss of all four limbs, Skip managed to ride a wave into shore. Skip remained in good spirits as EMS personnel slapped 4 tourniquets on and brought him to the newly-built atrium at the local trauma center. His tranquility was short-lived, however, because emergency department and orthopedic surgeon protocol at Kingdom Hall Hospital dictates that patients are not allowed in the stately atrium if paramedics gave Toradol or aspirin. It’s only logical: spurting blood could tarnish a chandelier and land on a harpist or, even worse, contaminate the chocolate fountain.
About an hour after Skip was unceremoniously wheeled out of the atrium into an adjacent hallway, a nurse and a physician assistant came by to visit.
“Physicians only see patients with true emergencies here at Kingdom Hall Hospital,” the PA lectured. “I think Skip here is one of those drug seekers who will say or do anything to get a high from our Dilaudid Nazi. I may have just graduated, but I know that multiple limb amputations via shark is not as painful as you’d think. I’m not going to fall for this chicanery. Give him some Ultram and Tylenol!”
The ER nurse approached tentatively as she daintily lubricated a double-gloved index finger.
“Due to recent price increases we can’t give Tylenol intravenously anymore,” she apologized. Skip gasped, until the nurse used the lubricant to clean the blood off a patch of skin before carefully pouring a drop of IV Tylenol onto the site and covering it with a Bandaid.
“Thank you for the lubricated topical Tylenol, but I’m still bleeding and in 8-9/10 pain.” Skip nodded at the physician assistant. “Order me something stronger, you heartless human, even if I can’t point to the appropriate smiley face on your stupid pain chart!”
It was the PA’s turn to gasp.
“I’m not cold and heartless! I’m personable and I care!” The PA waved the smiley face chart in front of Skip, snatching it away before Skip could wipe his nose across the “Hurts Worst” face.
“Listen, just go out in the ER waiting room. The 3rd row of seats has a bowl full of free Percocets. Just take a few and get out of here!”