nurse crime scene
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ALBANY, NY – Police are currently on the scene at St. Mary’s Hospital as reports are streaming in regarding a story that is as bizarre as it sounds. A 9-1-1 call was placed to dispatchers at 6:45 p.m. this evening stating a crazy woman was trying “to eat another nurse.”

nurse crime sceneDetails are still unfolding, but according to witnesses, a veteran charge nurse on ward 6-West, bit into the arm of a nursing student while in the break room.

“All of a sudden I heard screeching from the break room,” said a terrified witness on the ward.  “I immediately ran to the room and I saw Wilma Hopewell, our charge nurse, biting the arm of one of our new nursing students on the floor.”

The witness, who would like to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, jumped into action and pried Hopewell off of the new nursing student, Kim Pillsburg.  “Blood was streaming down her arm quickly and she was wailing.”

Pillsburg was quickly rushed down to the emergency department for evaluation and it was confirmed she had a 3 inch laceration from the biting on her left forearm.  GomerBlog was able to get an exclusive interview with Pillsburg while sutures were being placed.

“I’m still in shock,” muttered Pillsburg.  “I don’t even know what to say.  Wilma just came in, asked if I had emptied the Foley in room 605, and before I could answer, she lurched towards me sinking her teeth into my forearm.  I always heard the term ‘Nurses eat their young’ but I had no idea it was literally true.”

Another new nurse, Britanie Osborne, has been missing since early this month.  Authorities initially thought Britanie went to Europe with her boyfriend, but now investigators are demanding stool samples from Hopewell thinking she is the culprit of literally eating her.

Unfortunately this nursing stereotype is all too familiar in not only nursing, but the surgical specialties as well.  Pillsburg’s case is also not an isolated case, as nursing bites have accounted for over 210 medical incidents in this year alone, a 340% increase over last year.

Hopewell was being transferred to the downtown prison, but could be heard yelling in a mad rant, “It’s part of the nursing culture!  You need me to teach these millennials!  You can’t handle the truth!  It tasted like chicken!”

Initial reports are indicating that upon arrival to prison, she began organizing a pot-luck for the inmates and asking for double documentation of her intake paperwork.

Pillsburg had one final comment for GomerBlog reporters.  “Had I known that nurses actually try to eat their young, I never would have jumped into this absolute madness of nursing!”

This story comes on the heels of 3 nurses dying at Mercy Hospital after drinking soda at the nurses station, against Joint Commission and OSHA recommendations.

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  • mighty_aphrodite

    Do you not realize this is satire?

  • disqus_1v4gTCOygE

    This isn’t real. St.Marys isn’t even in Albany. It’s in Troy, and this never happened.

  • Robert Lott

    I like me some nurse meat.

  • Stacy Robinson

    Matthew Robinson

  • Guest

    When I Google the missing girl’s name – it shows this same exact article dated June 2013… hmmmmmm

  • Alex Haile

    i’m sorry i’m a little confussed. Is the Nurse eaters surname “Hopewell” or “Hopeman?”

  • Asclepios
    Asclepios

    That’s a sure-fire way to get Ebola unless you bake it for 45 minutes at 325.

  • castorag

    Some people. I mean, if two consenting adults want to eat each other, then why not? Oh. Ummm, never mind.

  • Ben Robertson

    Lian Wells

  • Bill Moore

    Next thing you know, nurses will be hosting Donner parties instead of pot lucks.

  • Chris Wags

    Kate Gates……hahaha…”its part of the culture!”

  • Gomerblog

    Love it

  • Joy Dowden Hughes

    This is a rare instance of gomerblog venturing into the realm of satire-with-very-bad-taste.

  • Suzanne Banach

    Love these blogs !

  • Tiffani Lucki Smith

    Sarah Dominko dont u work at st. marys? lol

  • Alexa Sanders

    HAHAHA what the hell! the worlds gone mad!

  • Kim Jondahl

    I won’t look at my colleagues the same way ever again.

  • Roman Reznik

    Haha

  • Leigh Carpenter

    Alexa Sanders

  • Benny Doyle

    Tastes like chicken

  • Karen Sue

    Boy oh boy.. Smh!

  • Haley Carlson

    Chrissy Stone

  • Vickie Grayson

    Hahahahahaha

  • Kristine Hickman

    Jasmine Marie Garland. Lol

  • Frances Corsino-Nelson

    So is this the porno version or the walking dead version?

  • Juvanna Escher

    What the heck!

  • Roxxy Quinn

    Cathryn Graf

  • Brett Sittloh

    I need hd video of this nurse eating another nurse or I won’t believe it.

  • Clint Traglia

    They should really rethink the headline on this one!

  • Carolyn Mormino

    Lol…

  • Mary W. Studious

    Right. I wonder just how tasty the student was. And, what resolve the biter has! Pot luck organization as she was being booked!

  • Kelley Hughes Reep

    We hardly ever get time to eat; got to grab and go when we can!

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