TAMPA, FL – In order to comply with new government healthcare regulations involving patient satisfaction, hospital administrators at Tampa Memorial Cross Hospital have decided to rename registered nurses (RNs) to a more appropriate title, “Refreshments and Narcotics”.
“Change had to occur,” said hospital CEO Karen Wildrens. “Government-mandated health care changes have forced us to adopt new hospital practices. We need to update our current workers and recruit for what we actually need at the hospital.”
In order to allow nurses to still hold and maintain a title of RN, a simple replacement of the words starting with the same letters easily allowed the hospital to maintain the abbreviation.
Wildrens continued: “I think our nurses will appreciate a more accurate job title. Who wants to be called one thing when that has nothing to do with what you are actually doing? Healthcare is not measured by the quality of healthcare anymore. Pleasing the patient in giving them whatever they want in a homely atmosphere is the new standard. We technically don’t need qualified RNs now, well not registered nurses that is (chuckle).”
The human resources department can now recruit nurses who will fill new roles and will be less likely to fight the system like veteran nurses.
“Most veteran nurses have already expressed their displeasure in their new roles here, so we are hoping to just infuriate them enough to quit. New nurses tend to be energetic and naïve. If we tell them from the start that they will be delivering Dilaudid and turkey sandwiches as their full time job, they are more likely to just accept it. Most have student loans and need a job, so I believe our program will work.”
Nursing schools will soon add new classes in their curriculum to accommodate these unmet demands. Classes will focus on dispensing obscene amounts of narcotic pain medications to patients who claim 10/10 pain despite texting on their phone, and refreshment and culinary management classes. Students will graduate knowing how to cut crust off sandwiches, how to determine a proper mayonnaise to meat ratio, and how to make mojitos, skills which current nurses clearly do not possess.
“Refreshments and narcotics driven care should give us an extra 2.5% in reimbursement this year,” said Wildrens. “Next year we should be able to afford the splash mountain theme park in our atrium, in addition to hiring Chef Ramsay for our new 5-star restaurant. What a hospital we have here!”
Do not forget the all important sierra mist!!!
It is laughable. It has gotten to the point of just ridiculous. I had to finally get away from hospital nursing after over 20 years for just this(and some other) reasons. it’s a shame what is going on and nobody really seems to care, certainly not nurse managers and higher ups who blindly just do what they are told. Long gone are the days of the nurse being ‘in charge’ of the patient. Long gone are the days of the nurse being able to ‘read the riot act’ to a patient in order for them to see what is actually best for them. Years ago nurses had the reputations as being drill sergeants and for good reason- they were doing what was best for the patient. Now if you don’t treat them like ‘guests in a 4 star hotel’ you’re likely to be fired. it’s sad.
Me too. June.
I had one cure a seizure once
Chris Mccarrick
Mark Nolan :-)
Spot on… Again…
Lame
I’m still waiting for administrations to continue to cut staffing hours and increase burnout rate- so that those coming to the ED with an acute case of fibromyalgia will see the new pretty flowers around the main entrance that cost $20k, the now all private rooms that have their own 65″ 4k Sony HDTVs, with an MD required to fluff all patient pillows and place an Andes mint on top during rounds, with the RNs writing a personal note to every drug seeker thanking them for choosing this institution. Because diaudid + unnecessary admission always = a good evaluation! We aim to please; after all.
I am so glad I retire soon
Hahhahahah
Hahhahahah
I want to hawk “Morphine, Methadone, and M&Ms.” Calling dibs!
Hahaha. So true. So sad.
Sometimes Gomerblog gets it so right it’s scary…
The healthcare model which we operate on is ripe for fraud, abuse and poor results as we treat symptoms. The model needs to change to one of keeping people healthy. There are two major problems with the healthy model. 1) Doctors use the model for revenue enhancement rather than what the patient actually needs. 2) Patients are unwilling to go to the doctor to maintain their health. They don’t want to pay the doctor, they don’t have the money, they don’t want to take time off work etc.
Wrong Justin, it’s “medication that starts with a D but can’t remember the name cause I am allergic to everything else, socks, and sandwiches!”
Lmao
I had a ham sandwich once cure a patient’s preterm labor……..
this is so true it’s scary…..don’t forget we need to clean the beds and floors to so the union staff can get their breaks and refreshments too
And BSN stands for “barista serving narcotics.”
Lolol
Oh so true!
Splash mountain lol!!
Love it!
Forgot the IT specialist too
They forgot the stadium vendor training to allow maximum opportunities to pass out these meds. “Dilaudid, socks, sandwiches here!!! Get your dilaudid, socks and sandwiches!!!”
Paul DeJohn give em the Dilahduh and a sammich!
Hahahaha
Sigh, if it were only funny……
I’m borrowing this. It’s perfect
Some many things to be grateful to #PressGaney…don’t even know where to start!
We all know a sparkling refreshing beverage and savory light snack served up in a timely fashion by the nurse will improve Press Gainey scores!
Good thing we need a Bachelors degree for this, too.
I’m thinking about adding a tip jar to the nurses station
We had a frequent flyer in grand island nebraska who always came into ER with c/o chest pain for which she insisted she needed Darvocet and a turkey sandwich. In that order. When we tried morphine or nitro she would explain, “oh it’s not that kind of chest pain.” True story.
Lol! Story of our lives! I’m a glorified waitress who wipes people “business” and cleans up other body fluids and makes beds…..
My life…
Lol
This would be funnier if it wasn’t so true ;)
Gimme my dilaudid and Turkey sammich!