NEW YORK, NY – It hasn’t taken long for health care providers at Mount Sinai Hospital to realize that Amanda Johnson, a new social worker hired just last month, is way more social than she is a worker.  Many of her colleagues believe this might be the understatement of the year.

“Don’t get me wrong, she’s very, very nice,” said physician assistant Jim Firestone, biting his tongue, which is now bleeding and falling off.  “But all she does is gossip, gossip, gossip.  Nothing ever gets done.  Literally nothing.”

According to sources close to GomerBlog, Johnson has yet to successfully facilitate a discharge home or to a post-acute care facility such as a nursing home, rehabilitation (acute or subacute), long-term acute care, psychiatric facility, or inpatient hospice.

As one anonymous co-worker put it, “She has been impressively unimpressive.”

“She’s really up to date on the Kardashians, the Bachelorette, stuff like that,” said nurse Kathryn Roberts, her five patients still awaiting nursing home placement.  “But these patients are going nowhere fast.  She knows she’s supposed to do some work, right?”

In four weeks, Johnson’s accomplishments can be listed on zero hands.  In fact, a patient discharged last week is still waiting for a cab voucher home.

“Boy oh boy, I’m so tired,” said Johnson as she let out a monstrous yawn while checking her email both online and on her phone.  When our GomerBlog team asked her how she thought she was performing, Johnson was quick to respond.  “I don’t know about me, but what I can tell you is that Mike the tech was checking out one of the nurses on the second floor even though his girlfriend is pregnant.  Can you believe it?  What a pig!”

Director of Social Services at Mount Sinai Steven Rush is looking into matters.  (Regarding Johnson, not that pig Mike.)

“Once I asked her how she was doing and she proceeded to hand me her patient list as she walked away and took a nice long lunch,” said Rush, realizing that he might have made a big mistake.  “She did say she had a great pizza lunch in New Haven.  Wait, she’s all the way in New Haven?  Damn it, Amanda!  You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Until Johnson becomes more productive or another new social worker is hired, Mount Sinai will remain on permanent diversion.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.