MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – In response to an unprecedented epidemic of claimed non-narcotic pain medication allergies among patients with chronic pain conditions, Google has teamed up with local EDs to roll out a novel attachment to their Google Glass device. This add-on stands to redefine the science of allergy detection.
The new device, named “Maling-o-vision,” is designed to objectively confirm the truthfulness of patients’ claimed medication allergies. EDs in the Mountain View region have recently tested the prototype device on their chronic pain patients. Early indications are that allergies to non-narcotic analgesics such as ibuprofen and acetaminophen have fallen by a whopping 99%!
The attachment, which hooks on to a standard Google Glass device, is a cartridge which can be pre-loaded with any of a number of possible allergens; however, the lion’s share of requests have been for the combined NSAID and acetaminophen cartridge. When activated by pressing a button, the cartridge then shoots a virtually imperceptible 1 mm-wide dart at the patient containing a small reservoir of this allergen. If the patient is truly allergic, the recipient’s skin will begin to react and a special dye contained within the projectile will turn the surrounding skin a deep red color which can be perceived only though wearing the Google Glasses. If the patient is not allergic, the dart is designed to turn blue.
The amount of allergen is so small as not to cause an anaphylactic reaction, according to Google, and the dart is designed to fall out within a few minutes. Patients may have a small amount of irritation at the site, but otherwise they have no idea that they have been “Maling-o-vised.”
Local opiate-seeking ED adventurers have been completely blindsided by after losing one of their primary tools to trick ED practitioners into providing them their coveted meds. Local narcotic-loving citizen, Carl Derfdorn opined, “I’m allergic to a bunch o’meds, so when I gets my pains, I comes in askin’ fo’ the drug that starts with a D… I forgot which one but it’s the only one that works and I ain’t allergic to dat.”
“Before this device was developed, we had a 92% rate of ibuprofen and an 88% rate of acetaminophen allergies among our chronic pain patients,” commented local ED director, Richard Blandino. “I’d like to take this moment to warn our local drug seekers that thanks to Maling-o-Vision, if you come to my ED, 99% of you will only get ibuprofen for your pain. The candy shop is now closed!”
Studies using other available cartridges have likewise shown a similar decrease in allergies to normal saline, epinephrine, oxygen, and Benadryl. Additionally, they have also been doing extensive research on a fibromyalgia detection device set to debut next year.
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