The National Association of Proctologists (NAP) reported record profits for proctologists in 2015 as an unprecedented number of people were butthurt from internet-related postings. “Our 2015 was fantastic!” proclaimed Dr. Ronald Wilson, local colorectal surgeon who specializes specifically in the anus and rectum. “People were so butthurt they developed rectal bleed after rectal bleed.”
Many proctologists are buying a second home, private jet, and even paying off their medical school debt.
“People were constantly being offended over this or that with so many injuries and a few deaths,” he went on. “Fortunately getting butthurt over articles on the internet is not typically a fatal injury but can affect your daily life, and others around you. You can develop hemorrhoids from constantly sitting and formulating the perfect reply to a comment, but when that final blow happens [the patient] has to come and see me.”
Dr. Wilson is completely dumbfounded how this completely preventable disease has become a nationwide epidemic. “We tell smokers to quit smoking, we tell total broken-boned people to quit walking in front of traffic, and we tell butthurt individuals to stay off the internet!”
A typical patient will see a headline, click on it despite knowing that they will not like the content, read the article, and then tell the world in the comment section how offended they are. Unbelievably some don’t even read the article and just comment and still get butthurt.
Many have proposed a vaccine, although theoretically effective, the largest demographic is ironically the anti-vaxxers themselves.
Support groups for the butthurt have joined hands and started a petition to shut down the internet. In fact, they are already pleading for GomerBlog to “remove this article at once!”