ATLANTA, GA – Parents pay close attention: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a new warning to the American public against a possible cooties outbreak in children under the age of 10.
“This is a very serious and fluid situation,” said Director of the CDC Thomas Frieden with a slight quiver in his voice. “We know very little about this contagion. Please do not panic.” Frieden sounded panicked. “Our best researchers and epidemiologists are in the field to help us understand how we are to protect ourselves. We must be smart and hypervigilant.”
According to Frieden, cooties transmission appears to occur through direct contact between children, although it appears the use of contact isolation gowns is ineffective. Even more worrisome is that midway through the CDC’s announcement, cooties had already mutated into two other variants.
“It is now our understanding,” Frieden said, updated by one of his advisors, “that young boys may be susceptible to boy cooties while young girls are susceptible to girl cooties. We might have an epidemic on our hands. As I asked of you earlier this month, please avoid any and all human interaction. Remember, we are all disgusting creatures.”
Frieden has spoken with Secretary of Human and Health Services Tom Price in an effort to help expedite research into a cooties vaccine. According to Dr. Leah Burton, a spokesperson for the Infectious Diseases Society of America, she is unaware of any adequate prevention or treatment. She just shrugged her shoulders. “Cooties one, humanity zero.”
When told about Dr. Burton’s comment, little 7-year-old Elise McCray of Atlanta giggled. She grabbed me by the right arm, using her small fingers to draw imaginary shapes on my deltoid. “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you’ve got the cooties shot!!”
It’s a miracle!
McCray teases she might know the key to lifelong immunity. “It starts off, Circle, circle, knife, knife…” she said before stopping short, asking for a pony in return. Gomerblog has anxiously reached out to the CDC in order to secure funding for a pony in order to learn the rest of this life-saving limerick.