WASHINGTON, DC – Scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) have analyzed data suggesting that the surface of Mercury, though not suitable for human life, is still slightly less toxic than a hospital work environment.

Artist rendering of hospital staff more comfortable on uninhabitable Mercurial surface.

“The thin atmosphere would expose you to radiation and the surface temperatures can range from minus 300 degrees to 800 degrees Fahrenheit,” said NASA scientist Aaron O’Dea.  “So yes, much more tolerable.”  O’Dea believes the long hours, understaffing, an aging and increasingly complex patient population, endless drug-seeking, anti-vaxxers, litigation, documentation requirements, ICD-10 nonsense, unrealistic expectations, and cafeteria food of today’s hospital environment is “cruel” and “beyond hostile.”

“Mercury may not have any oxygen, sure, I give you that,” said Nurse Colleen Ramsey, who is currently struggling to take care of 9 patients on the floor and will probably have to take care of another 9 more tomorrow.  “But I still think it’ll be easier to breathe there; I’m suffocating down here.”

According to a recent poll by GomerBlog, 99% of providers would sooner “burn to a crisp if not vaporize on the surface of a 700-degree alien planet” than “go through the continuing mental anguish of burnout.”  One anonymous survey taker commented that “as long as there are no hospital administrators or coding specialists on the surface of Mercury, please send me there as soon as possible.”

Other poll comments from the medical community, all of which are in agreement with NASA’s findings, include:

– “At least I’ll have time to pee
– “I bet I’ll be less dehydrated on Mercury”
– “How much will they pay me on Mercury?”
– “Will aliens be asking me for narcotics?
– “Is Matt Damon going to star in a movie about Mercury?”

GomerBlog has reached out to Matt Damon and is currently awaiting a response.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.