mars
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MERRITT ISLAND, FL – Scientists have been planning a human mission to Mars for exploration and habitation for decades.  Successful travel to and habitation of Mars would be a monumental accomplishment for science, physics, and huge source of national pride.  However, these tremendously costly plans have been scrutinized for their practicality, since billions of dollars put towards this endeavor will not directly benefit society.

marssurface
Proposed site of new SNF

Economists, scientists, and hospital administrators have teamed up in the new coalition, “Discharge to Mars.”  The mission of travel to the red planet takes a drastic turn to a more practical and tangible objective.  The basic principle will be to discharge the otherwise complex and difficult patient to a skilled nursing facility (or SNF) on Mars.

This may include patients without insurance, patients who’s family is not willing to provide assistance with home care, patients who need long term IV antibiotics and therapy, patients who continually readmit to the hospital, patient’s with incurable and complicated or uninteresting diseases, patients who are allergic to all narcotics other than Dilaudid, and patient’s who simply don’t want to be discharged home.

The 5,000 bed SNF would include a state of the art PT/OT gym for the 30 minutes of required daily therapy, Olympic-sized swimming pool heated to 294 Kelvin, and licensed physicians available by Mars Skype 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with only a 36 hour video chat lag.

The new plans have drawn quite a buzz in hospital circles, and physicians have already begun to submit their nominations for pilot patients to the coalition.  “I’ve been saying we should put Mr. Brown on a rocketship to Mars for months!” exclaimed neurologist Dr. Bruce Greenik about his chronic autoimmune degenerative disease patient.

Hospitalist Dr. Elizabeth Burnt nominated 3 of her own patients, one with chronic pancreatitis who bounces from SNF to home to the ER constantly, one patient with COPD and monthly ICU admissions, and one uninsured homeless patient admitted for dehydration who has been admitted for 167 days and counting while Medicaid is processing for his discharge.

Some concern has been raised about the one-way nature of the flight plans, since a return flight plan does meet the economic standards set by the coalition.  Economist John Grey explains that the one way nature of the plans “increases the statistical likelihood of success, and allows the project to move forward faster.”  Dr. Abigail Polzner, a emergency medicine specialist at Henry Ford, endorses the one way plan as a benefit, indicating that the definitive nature of the discharge is “not just a small step for hospitals and doctors, but a giant leap for the health care system.”

The first mission, MARS SNF ONE, is planned for 2018.  Careful planning and rigorous timetables have been set to accomplish this ambitious launch.  Although the projected date is several years in the future, physician’s are confident their currently nominated patients will still be eligible for the mission in 2018.

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  • Meg Sparling

    Do I ever!!

  • George Nassar

    No but I have a lot of patients that seem to be coming from Mars

  • John Joan Vande Castle

    Don’t apply Mindy – I didn’t like Mars when I was on it in my past life.

  • Angela Null

    Lmbo

  • Sheri Martin

    Rofl Angela Null

  • Angela Millard

    Is there a limit??

  • Angela Millard

    Is there a limit??

  • Meadow Macklin Green

    Why not set up a colony on the moon right now, while still working on the Mars project? There are probably enough patient candidates to make both feasible. And any problems could be worked out at the Moon prototype so the whole project could move along faster.

  • James Ware

    There are some people I’d like to send to Mars.

  • Jen Young

    Can I send some nurses there too?!?!

  • Pam Cotterman

    Satire Tim…..it’s satire •••

  • Marlene Fisher Downing

    many many like the guy who came in with n/v and couldn’t figure out why – just picked up and cooked some road kill

  • Rachel Hreha

    Andrea Borowski Tara Dundon Heather Zantowsky-Balmer Marie Jardine Ligi Angela Millard hahahha start making lists

  • Shannon Chalk

    Fantastic! I can think of a few nurses that can go there to work. Somehow our ER will still be the “closest medical facility” when they need to come back.

  • Beckie Fox Workman

    Are you nominating us Pam Soyebo???

  • Pam Soyebo

    Beckie Fox Workman Shannon Chalk

  • Pam Soyebo

    This is genius, I don’t think the one way flights are a deal breaker

  • Sarah Louise

    Can they qualify for a SNF with a diagnosis of PITA?

  • John Taylor

    Some have already boarded the spaceship.

  • Bil Criteser

    Alice Kramden

  • Lauren Kazlo

    These are our healthcare coworkers too… scary af.

  • Lauren Kazlo

    That’s the only reason it wouldn’t work, huh?

  • Lauren Kazlo

    I’ve never worked at a SNF…are they allowed to give out IV narcotics? Just curious.

  • Lauren Kazlo

    They don’t have to be old, just your classic “hotel hospital”, PITA, call light sitters. No age limits there!

  • Lauren Kazlo

    Maybe you’d like to apply?

  • Lauren Kazlo

    Classic! Much more interesting than “I was sooo wasted… but I only had 1 or 2 drinks, really!”

  • Fred G. Muggs

    That’s going to need a hell of a BLS crew…

  • Claudia Hicks

    Jessica Arner, The government and the Joint Commission. I just want to get back to the business of taking care of patients, people. There is so much pressure on nurses to get good surveys and meeting door to doc times and decision to admit times , and scripting what we say to people/ patients the staff are trying to meet these goals and patient care is turning into assembly line care. Not why I became a nurse.

  • Kristi MacKenzie Isrow

    Can we ship residents there on July 1st??

  • Jessica Arner

    Bwahahaha, Claudia Hicks! Right?! Why should the patients go?! Really not who caused the mess…

  • Eric Warren

    got a Hospitalist and a coupla Anesthesiologists that are actually from Mars!

  • Denise Hussein

    so this is what they are going to do with all the old people

  • Angela Raczynski

    I hope you realize this is satire. It is meant to be tounge in cheek. Yes there really some people I would love to send there. Can I send some in laws perhaps?

  • Angela Raczynski

    Wanda I just will not reveal my list! I just have to add to it daily LOL

  • Tim Saunders

    that’s nuts!!!! Why send anyone who’s ill into space?! Let alone on a stupidly long, arguably tortuous, journey so far as to Mars, so that they’re unlikely even to survive the time it takes to get there? What crack-pot dreamt this up???

  • Jenny Krempasky

    No. Just the patient’s family

  • Michael Kennedy

    Several.

  • Vicki Collins

    After almost 30 years in the business I could fill the facility

  • James Uthe

    Would that fall under closest appropriate facility

  • Sasha Szpunar

    Haha

  • Kathleen Bylsma

    :) ;)

  • Chris Rosa

    It wouldn’t work because you wouldn’t be able to call and ambulance for your transports requiring o2.

  • Pete Sluder

    Looks like some good single track there.

  • Kathy Moffatt

    Hope Wiltse. Just in case Franklin Hills and the insurance cant get it together, here is a d/c option

  • Claudia Hicks

    How about sending the insurance companies, hospital administrators & the Joint Commission

  • Peggy Sloss

    I know a few people!

  • Gene Beed

    I know a nurse administrator I would like to send there.

  • Raphael Weidenfeld

    In!

  • Laura Jane

    Patronus Killinger Raphael Weidenfeld

  • Suraj Rajan

    Anyone who starts their history with “when I was in Walmart…”
    ( Heather Sumowski, cmon over)

  • Peter J. Schupp

    In a related story, TJC starts up rocket program

  • Tom Fortson

    Must participate in 30 minutes of rehab daily and be compliant with suspended state for transport.

  • Wanda Gonzalez

    Wait….you guys don’t have a list already started? I’ve had one since nursing school! ;-)

  • Nancy Marqus Silva

    I know of patients that came from Mars.

  • Emily Petrikas

    Lol. Finally Vickie Guerrero Diana Pugh Benn a facility for all those tough to place people.

  • Verity

    #Satire RT NASA plans to Build a Skilled Nursing Facility on Mars – http://t.co/uFIHRCQxWA #hcsm #meded http://t.co/cDkqkLPJd7

  • Prudence Scott

    I am sure we can find a few joy Joy Fyrne

  • Tom Hicklin

    How many seats are available for this trip?

  • Belinda Mayer

    Paula Gilroy Kellie Holt

  • Karen Schmidt

    me too. then leave the nurses to run the hospital. it will be the most efficiently run facility ever

  • Todd Boleman

    Yes- please set up an allergy clinic on Mars! Lol

  • Irene Rebello

    I almost can’t enjoy this brilliance with all the “patients” and “patient’s” Make up your mind. — do it properly or stick with ignorance but be consistent, lol

  • Michael Bedard

    What’s really sad about this story is that there are people out there who will truly believe it.

  • Amanda Zoccoli

    Ewan Crosbie is this your project?!

  • Joshua Moreman

    I have an entire community I’d like to send to Mars.

  • Boris Mekinulov

    Filling out PRI form for that SNF may be tricky…

  • Evgueni Minev

    If there is free IV Dilaudid offered, there won’t be enough beds available (:

  • Diane Bockelman

    Our company will take care of it…

  • Andrea Eckrose Richter

    It will be great……no visitors to tell you that they have a cousin who is a nurse (so they know my job) or ask a thousand questions and take notes (even the blood pressure )

  • Eleanor Sobkowiak

    This is wonderful. The only thing that would make it more enjoyable is editing, particularly for proper use of apostrophes and possessive pronouns. I’ve had many patients over the years for whom this would have been a terrific option. The thought of sending them to Mars makes my day.

  • Deb Turk

    Only one?

  • Sixto Ramos

    Julie Knowles I got all the way to the fourth paragraph before I realized that this was satire -__-

  • Maureen Braunstein

    Lol

  • Angela Raczynski

    I have a bunch of people to nominate lol

  • Jo Jo Norton

    well…we did buy a bus ticket for Mr Seizure guy…remember?? LOL

  • Joanie Sapienza

    Yeah half my unit!

  • Dawn Jacobs

    I agree with Angela, can we nominate staff…and maybe a supervisor or two?..Omg, I even know a few physicians I feel could be “convinced” to go. So excited, going to start working on a list now! Will keep the list handy, as I am sure random people will present themselves throughout the day.

  • Laura Haskovec

    Hehehe… Dispo: Mars for PT/OT

  • Janna Reeves

    Here’s where we can go work Valerie lol

  • Angela Raczynski

    Many and some fellow staff too

  • Christine Shaffer

    Several.

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