ATLANTA, GA – Well, folks, sh*t has hit the fan as GomerBlog is sad to report that our pastoral care teams nationwide are emotionally and spiritually spent from the endless hours of emotional and spiritual support it provides to our hospitalized patients and are ready to take an indefinite leave of absence.
“I had to be the bearer of bad news but we’ve had it,” said chaplain Robert O’Malley, as he hangs up his patience and rosary for good. “I mean, all the listening and caring, the empathy and sympathy… UGHHH!!! The sheer volume of people with pain and anxiety… What about my pain and anxiety? These patients just want to talk about themselves. So selfish.”
Medical staff had a hunch that this was coming. It was just a matter of when.
“I remember the day I became suspicious: August 14, 2016,” started charge nurse Mary Patterson. “I was charting, as per usual, and in the span of 2 hours, I saw four different pastoral service team members come out of patients’ rooms, giving the closed door the middle finger while dropping one of several F bombs. I even heard a ‘m***erf**er.’ That’s so unlike them.”
Just like every other health care provider, O’Malley sits down to begin his several hours of documentation. He lets out a loud, laborious sigh before he sits down to hammer out his progress notes.
“I had this one patient who said I didn’t pray slow enough and fired me right on the spot,” said O’Malley, as he searches the ICD-10 so he can bill for religious noncompliance and a Hail Mary, subsequent encounter. “Can you even fire a priest?” He added later, clearly disgruntled: “I bet these patients would fire Jesus if He couldn’t convert five loaves and two fish into 5 of Dilaudid and 50 of Benadryl.”
When asked to comment, hospital CEOs were united in their approach, stating they would simply replace pastoral care team members with more administrators who would sell the five loaves and two fish for profits.