How to Put on a Contact Isolation Gown

isolation gown
Wow, that’s one huge Contact Precautions sign

If you’ve never done it before, putting on a contact isolation gown can be quite tricky.  It might be easier to put on a straitjacket.  Here’s our step-by-step guide, walking you through each step and what you should be thinking.

STEP 1: “F**k!  Why’s the patient in isolation?”
Good question.  We’re not sure either.  Nobody knows.  Hope it isn’t Pseudomonas or C. diff or some sh*t like that.

STEP 2: “Where are the gowns?”
You’d think there’d be gowns by the patient’s door.  Hahaha!  Hilarious!  (Stupid effing gowns.)

STEP 3: “Can I pull him off isolation?”
No, you can’t.  Man up, go to a supply room, and find a gown.

STEP 4: “Woohoo, I found one!”
It’s about time.  Now briefly ponder how much an isolation gown costs and how many trees were slaughtered to make one.

STEP 5: “WTF, how the hell do I put this on?”
F**k if we know!  Every time, we end up putting our arms through the neck hole.  Every time!  And don’t get us started on…

STEP 6: “Damn it, that tie thingie ripped!”
…That stupid tie?  It always freaking rips!  Why?  Repeat after me: “Piece.  Of.  Sh*t.”

STEP 7: “Ugh, I need a new gown.”
Ugh is right.  Isolation gowns are flimsier than contact precautions stethoscopes.  Maybe there’s a Dior isolation ballroom gown lying around?

STEP 8: “Darn it, I ripped the second gown!”
As if you’re surprised.  You knew that was going to happen.  Remember that phrase we asked you to repeat?

STEP 9: “F**k you, gown!”
That’s the spirit!  Screw the gown!  Screw contact precautions!  Crumple it up and throw it at a passing student.  Put on some gloves and be “extra careful” in that room.  That’s what we call superior sterile technique.

STEP 10: “Now can I pull him off isolation?”
Of course!  Why didn’t you do that earlier?