WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fresh off ex-fixing the Washington Monument, new Secretary of Health and Human Services and orthopedic surgeon Tom Price has turned his attention to preventive health. Just yesterday, Price deployed a brand new Stryker drone loaded with thousands of rocket-propelled syringes filled with the flu vaccine.
In a press conference soon after the launch, Price lauded the program for its ingenuity and effectiveness. “Today is an exciting day,” Price proclaimed. “As we speak, 27-gauge needles are raining down on the American people, finally putting an end to the influenza virus for an entire year.”
Price and Stryker intend to expand the therapeutic drone program in the coming months. Stryker CEO Kevin Lobo announced that they will soon be releasing an Ancef drone to provide every American with antibiotics prior to orthopedic surgery. When asked how he will avoid people who are not having surgery, Lobo responded, “There are only two kinds of people, pre-op and post-op, and they all need antibiotics.”
Sources close to Secretary Price confirm that he has plans to use drones to treat a wide variety of diseases, including osteoarthritis of the knee, osteoarthritis of the hip, osteoarthritis of the shoulder, and syphilis.