ATLANTA, GA – After a thorough review of the evidence, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) will make the formal recommendation that hospital gowns no longer be tied in the back in order to promote much needed airflow through a patient’s ass crack.
“We were surprised how much research and data there was on the topic,” admitted Director of the CDC Brenda Fitzgerald, who is working on a prepared statement for tomorrow morning. “There were literally thousands of randomized-controlled trials, cohort studies, case reports, and this was after we filtered for articles that written in English. The data is pretty compelling. Leave the gown untied in the back. Ass crack outcomes were phenomenal.”
Hospital gowns, also known as johnnies on men and debbies on women, are what patients wear in a clinic or hospital not only to facilitate a more accurate physical exam, but also to allow health care professionals, even those not involved in the direct care of the patient, to visualize a patient’s naked butt because, inevitably, the patient will forget to leave it tied in the back during a leisurely stroll around the floor or, worse, the cafeteria.
Fitzgerald explained the authors of one meta-analysis concluded that leaving the gown open in the back “for all to see” conferred benefit in a multitude of ways: colorectal health, cardiovascular outcomes, even all-cause mortality. One author even conjectured, “If a patient left his or her gown open for their entire lifetime, there is a strong possibility the patient could live forever.”
“I know what you’re thinking,” began Fitzgerald seeing the disgusted look on this Gomerblog reporter’s face, “that’s a whole lotta ass cracks we’ll be seeing on the floors. Yes, even more than the usual amount we see on a daily basis. But put it this way: Next time you see a patient’s exposed derrière from an untied gown, realize that’s another life saved.”