NASHVILLE, TN – In an effort to improve upon the fine cuisine that is hospital food, the hospital cafeteria at Belmont Medical Center (BMC) has introduced a wide array of bodily fluids to the menu. Both patients and hospital staff agree: this is indeed a much-needed upgrade to the cafeteria selection.
“We knew we had to get creative,” said Patrick Sellers, head chef of dining services. “As much as our customers must love our chicken, turkey, fish, and beef dishes, which are completely indistinguishable from one another, and our salads and pastas, which are locally sourced from a grocery store’s dumpster, we know they’re always looking for the next best thing. So we found it.”
“Look, don’t me wrong, nothing hits the spot more than their classics: Cardboard Pizza and Tasteless Veggie Burger,” said nurse Rebekkah Rodgers, who is excited to not pack lunch as she explores the glorious new menu items. “After eating those items over and over again for about 6 years now, seeing something like Phantastic Phlegm or Crunchy Cloudy Urine on their menu is like music to my ears.” She added later: “I look forward to pairing them with their over-salted, soggy fries.”
As of tomorrow morning, the cafeteria will offer these tasty and fun-named bodily fluids: Incontinent Urine, Coagulated Blood from the Lobby, Maple-Bacon Melena, Extra Salty Tears, Semen of Unknown Origin, Cerumen Syrup, Truffled Hematuria, Crunchy Cloudy Urine, Pediatric Perspiration, Phantastic Phlegm, Serosanguinous Deliciousness, Freshly-Squeezed Pus, Sputum Induction, and Low-Fat Lochia.
“I just adore the Pediatric Perspiration when it’s liberally topped over the raw placenta I didn’t order,” explained family member Jonathan Reese. “Unlike before, the menu is now a revolving door of flavor bombs. It’s spectacular.”
Gomerblog asked Sellers if he thought putting such items that are unwanted byproducts of the human body on the menu would be particularly revolting, he dismissed the idea as absurd. “Have you seen our old menu? It can’t get any more revolting than that.”