SCHAUMBURG, IL – In breaking news just in to Gomerblog today, the American Society of Anesthesiologists (ASA) has formally announced it will finally accept blame for everything that is wrong with life, the world, and the universe as we know it. This is the first time in the ASA’s history it has formally-accepted fault, prompting all non-anesthesiologists to respond, “Well, it’s about damn time!”
“It is well recognized that Anesthesia is to blame until proven otherwise, we get that,” explained ASA President Dr. Jeffrey Plagenhoef. “We realize no one cares to prove it otherwise. And that includes us as a society of anesthesiologists. Mostly because we have drape forts to build, puppet shows to do, Sudoku puzzles to complete. For that reason we unanimously decided, ‘Ahhh, f**k it, let’s own this. Let’s own the blame.'”
It has already been a rough 2017 for Anesthesia: Matt Ryan blamed Anesthesia for the Atlanta Falcons’ choke job in Super Bowl LI, La La Land blamed Anesthesia for the awkward Best Picture mix-up at this year’s Oscar Awards, and United Airlines blamed Anesthesia for “re-accommodating” (i.e. beating the sh*t out of) a physician. Many felt it was only a matter of time before Anesthesia caved. And if they didn’t cave? Well, that would be Anesthesia’s fault too.
“It is the nature of what we do, so yes, whatever it is, it is Anesthesia’s fault,” continued Plagenhoef. “The I-85 bridge collapse in Atlanta? That was us. Global warming or that paper cut that stings like hell? Blame us for those too. Your grandmother slipping on the carpet and falling on the ground? Yep, we pushed her. Just plain and simple: we’re a**holes, so go ahead and blame us. We can take it.”
For additional reading, see Gomerpedia’s A List of Things We Can Comfortably Blame Anesthesia For.