NASHVILLE, TN – Medical staff at Nashville Memorial Hospital are completely baffled by a new fleet of hospital beds on Unit 55-G, saying that it’s without question easier to solve an acid-base disorder.

“Why does the Up button to raise the patient’s head turn on classical music, and why does the red call light lock the wheels in place?” asked charge nurse Greg DiFranco, surrounded by dozens of equally clueless health care professionals. Additionally, kicking off the brakes deflates the bed and lowering the arm rails rings the front desk. “It’s a hospital bed, for Pete’s sake! Am I missing something?”

With morale at a new low, medical staff have huddled at the nurses station to solve some triple acid-base disorders, which they can now oddly enough completely do with ease. This never happened before these new hospital beds came along. Get this: the Krebs cycle makes sense.

“Maybe we’re in some sort of parallel universe?” asked neurologist Louise Reed, who personally thinks these new beds have infarcted. Even she finally understands compensation formulas with acid-base disorders. “If everyone here hasn’t lost a pen today, we’re definitely in a parallel universe.”

The medical staff have informed administration about the faulty beds, and in response administration has taken swift and appropriate action: they have ordered more faulty beds.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.