Tuesday, May 18, 2021

85-Year-Old Physician Executes Quadruple Click in Heroic Attempt to Open Patient’s Chart

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LOUISVILLE, KY - Witnesses were reportedly stunned yesterday when Dr. Montgomery "Monty" Rutherford, an 85-year-old internist, performed a quadruple click in a heroic attempt to access a patient’s electronic medical record. “A simple double click...
swat team elite HIPAA stormtroopers

Elite HIPAA Stormtroopers Raid Hospital, Kill 48, Secure 1 Chart

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BOCA RATON, FL - An elite HIPAA Stormtrooper unit raided Madre De Díos Hospital when it was alerted that a nurse had left a chart open in the nurses station when she ran to a...
acid-base disorders

Study Concludes That Anyone Who Understands Acid-Base is a Big, Fat Liar

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BOSTON, MA - A landmark study in the latest issue of the Old England Journal of Medicine (OEJM) concluded "beyond a shadow of a doubt" that anyone who claims to understand acid-base...
intern thumb sucking

July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb

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ROCKFORD, IL - Fresh-faced July intern Becky Anderson proved to be the most crucial health care provider present during a cardiopulmonary arrest called at approximately 8 PM last night on one of the floors...
orthopedic surgeon ripping phone book bieps

Orthopod Bewildered by Internist with Bigger Biceps

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LOS ANGELES, CA - "How can it be??!!" wondered orthopedic surgeon Thor Hammersley, scratching his noggin with his oversized mitts.  "Thor don't understand!"  You see, Hammersley has just spotted a true anomaly walking the...
call button nursing lockout interval

American Nurses Association Approves Call Lights with Lockout Intervals

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SILVER SPRING, MD - In an effort to bolster nursing satisfaction, the American Nurses Association (ANA) have unanimously approved the replacement of current call lights with new and improved call lights with lockout intervals. "Nurses...
nurses station

The Joint Commission Now Encourages Coffee At Nursing Stations, Mortality Rates Plummet

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The Joint Commission (JC) has abruptly reversed their ban on caffeinated drinks at physician and nursing workstations in light of new evidence that caffeine prevents doctors and nurses from inadvertently harming their patients. Statisticians were...
pulmonary team

Pulmonary Team Hypoxic After Climbing Seven Flights of Stairs

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NEW YORK, NY - A pulmonary team at New York Medical Center (NYMC) narrowly avoided an overnight ICU stay for BIPAP or ventilator support after medical staff found them winded, tripoding, and extremely hypoxic...
hipster

Hipster Loses Left Testicle Due to Excessively Tight Pants

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WILLIAMSBURG, NY - Hipster Fletcher Jones was admitted to the emergency room last night with numbness and tingling around the groin.  The incident occurred after riding his fixed-gear bike around Brooklyn.  When Dr. Randy...