LOS ANGELES, CA – In a story to make our current generation of residents and interns roll their eyes so hard they’ll require ophthalmology to reverse the damage, Gomerblog has learned that old-as-f**k internal medicine attending Dr. Arthur S. Schmarthurburg has just leaned back in his rocking chair, telling his team about life when he was an intern.
Gomerblog was able to join for story time.
“When I was an intern,” Schmarthurburg started, “we didn’t have work-hour restrictions! 168 hours in a week? Psccch!! We used to work 168 hours in a day!! IN A DAY!!! I once placed 45 central lines in one hour! And that was before morning rounds! And what’s with these mandatory naps? I’m 97 years old and I haven’t napped a day in my life!”
The team woke up Dr. Schmarthurburg so that he could continue his story.
“When I was an intern,” he continued, “we didn’t have computers and medical records! Heck, back in my day, we made our own quills and ink. We had to cut down the trees, make our own paper, and then write our notes that way. If we made a mistake, our attendings insisted we do it over, starting with a new tree. What do you think about that?!”
Before his team could respond, Schmarthurbug went on.
“When I was an intern,” he continued, “I memorized Harrison’s Principles of Internal Medicine. Even the authors and references! We didn’t have smartphones or UpToDate. We just knew it by heart. And I never complained, not once!”
“When I was an intern, I had to walk 400 miles to work, uphill, both ways, because I lived in another state! And guess what? We didn’t have Uber back then. But you know what? I got into work at 4:30 AM sharp, no ifs ands or buts. Even on my off days! I’ve never been late a day in my life.”
Gomerblog is still unsure where Schmarthurburg got the rocking chair and how he was able to bring it on rounds.