U.S. on COVID-19: “Help Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, You’re My Only Hope”
TATOOINE - While cleaning his new R2-D2 droid after purchasing them from the Jawas, Luke Skywalker accidentally triggered a holographic recording of a desperate...
By Popular Overdose Demand: Activated Charcoal Smoothie at Your Local ER
HARTFORD, CT - Get those Press-Ganey scores up with the new Activated Charcoal Smoothie! With the number of intentional and unintentional overdoses skyrocketing across...
Area Hospital to Implement New Health Record Using Post-it Notes
AREA, GA - Despite a flurry of activity in healthcare systems across America to implement efficient electronic health records (EHRs) or even more efficient...
Former United Security Guard Landed on Feet as Nurse-Assaulting Cop
SALT LAKE CITY, UT - Former United Security Guard and all-around jerk-face Jeff Payne was very concerned he wouldn't be able to find employment after...
Patient Able to Get Dilaudid Just Before Leaving AMA
JACKSONVILLE, FL – Michael Redmond - a patient so regular to St. Joseph Hospital’s ER that if he doesn’t show up for a couple days,...
Cell Phones Newest Weapon in Fight Against Pain
BOSTON, MA - Cell phones are now on the list of items previously thought to have no therapeutic benefit, which are now being researched...
American Academy of Drug Seekers Releases 2016 ED Pain Management Guidelines
BALTIMORE, MD - Acknowledging that the nationwide effort to reduce opiate abuse in the ED has led to dangerous levels of undertreatment among their...
BMI Classification Replaces Word “Obesity” with “American”
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - The World Health Organization (WHO) has revised its BMI (body mass index) classification system, a simple and widely used method for...
Doctor Accidentally Heals Fibromyalgia
For years, Dr. Suda Nim had expressed frustration over his patients who came to the Emergency Department with a chief complaint of a fibromyalgia flare.
"Every...
Local Man with Chest Pain Takes Care of Stuff First
CLEVELAND, OH – Don Hetfield came into St. Joe’s emergency room on Friday with chest pain, arm pain, and “I just can’t stop sweating.” When...