Thursday, May 28, 2020

Cardiology

Patient’s Heart Hears about Impending Discharge, Begins Fibrillating

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DES MOINES, IA - After overhearing a conversation about discharge planning, the heart belonging to 87 year old Thomas Munson decided at the last minute to start fibrillating in order to keep the body...

Woman Fakes Heart Attack to Make Flight Land at Her Real Destination

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GUNNISON, CO - A woman who couldn’t find a direct flight from Los Angeles to Gunnison, Colorado bought a ticket to Kansas City, Missouri instead.  She then faked a heart attack when her United flight...
blood pressure heart

Physical Exam Tips: The Heart

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In this series, we review the physical exam, the intermediate step in a patient evaluation that ultimately leads to imaging.  There are so many means by which to evaluate a patient, the best of...
2014 ACLS algorithm

Study: The People’s Elbow is the Most Electrifying Move in All of ACLS

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HAYWARD, CA - FINALLY!  The Rock… HAS COME BACK... to cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR)!  A new study in the New England Journal of Sports Entertainment (NEJSE) has confirmed something that we knew all along: The...
whole milk

Milk Fat Prolongs Survival of Government Dietary Recommendations

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With the recent release from NSA data-mining archives proving that whole milk is indeed better than skim milk for cardiovascular health, dieticians throughout the nation are in a panic. Right and left they are...
clinic organ samples

Clinic Handing Out Free Organ Samples

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OXFORD, MS - Remember the good old days when you could get free drug samples from your doctor?  Well, clinicians at Mississippi Health do.  They’re trying to bring back some of the charm of...

Ben Carson: Heart Attack Victims Could Have Survived If They Cathed Own Coronaries

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DETROIT, MI - According to retired neurosurgeon and presidential hopeful Ben Carson, patients who have died due to acute myocardial infarctions or “heart attacks” could have saved their own lives if they had simply...
ldl cholesterol

Declining Lipitor Sales Prompt Revision of Cholesterol Guidelines Yet Again

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CHICAGO, IL - In response to an unexpected 3 percent reduction in both Lipitor and Crestor sales, the American Cardiac Association (ACA) and American College of Cardiologic Heart Physicians (ACCHP) have established the 4th...
salmon eggs

Protamine Shortage Amid Strike at Salmon Sperm Acquisition Factory

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DALLAS, TX - Add another to the list: protamine.  This antidote to heparin is on national shortage and warnings are being issued to hospitals nationwide. Protamine comes from the sperm of salmon.  At the largest...
troponin leak

99% of Health Care Practitioners Have a Troponin Leak at Work

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NEW YORK, NY - Have you ever groaned because someone checked a troponin on a patient without chest pain or shortness of breath and, of course, it was elevated?  A new study in the...
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