SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “Don’t get sick during the Super Bowl” was the overwhelming response put out the Joint Commission today. New studies just released by The Lancet indicate that patient care nears “total neglect” status during huge events such as the Super Bowl.
Mortality increased a staggering 34% during events such as the Super Bowl. Incorrect or forgotten drug administration, missed arrhythmias, and very little patient interaction are suspected to be the cause. If you are sick you might as well be living in the middle of a Polynesian jungle; at least there you could lick a toad to feel better.
During this year’s Super Bowl patients went without dinner and bed sheets were found to be completely soiled. Many nurses delivered medications without wearing the mandatory yellow safety belts and even engaged in conversations while checking out medications from the Pyxis machines.
An anonymous nurse interviewed by GomerBlog stated, “You can’t really expect me to take vital signs when the Super Bowl is on. It’s not like I can just break away at commercials, because even the commercials are part of the show!” She wouldn’t disclose what room, but did mention she plans on being “extra” vigilant in the VIP patient’s room with a big screen.
“Listen, the Super Bowl comes only once a year!” proclaimed Dr. Lance Wilkens, who as the trauma surgeon on call plans on taking a 4-hour break.
Dr. Wilkens went on, “Sick patients are abundant and plentiful every single day. Just give me a few hours off. I’ll see you after the game. Oh, Nancy can you pass more of that delicious bean dip? Ah, I love that Volkswagon commercial!”
Hospital administrators understand the lack of care that will occur but will still require nurses to chart every aspect of the game twice. “If actual patient care is absent, we will just make up for it in charting the TRUE indicator of patient care.”
Holy Cross Memorial Hospital went on to elaborate with more warnings during the Super Bowl, “If possible, refrain from getting sick or entering a hospital during game time. If you absolutely have to go, to be seen quicker, bring a dessert for the potluck meals if your last name starts with A-N, or a side dish if it is O-Z, along with your chest pain, ruptured aneurysm, or 10/10 pain.”
Holy Cross Memorial does plan to place free Percocet bowls out in the ER waiting room 2 hours before game time to help decrease patient volume. ET tubes and any male patient’s balls will be thoroughly inspected before game time.