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NEW YORK, NY – Forget the days of the compassionate and uplifting slogans like “A Passion for Healing,” “Because Your Life Matters,” or “Every Day, a New Discovery.”  With record numbers of nurses and doctors burning out and hospitals busting at the seams with sicker and sicker patients, hospitals are waving their white flags and this is being reflected in new, brutally-honest slogans to deter patients from seeking care.

The first hospital to make the change is New York Medical Center, who earlier this month changed their decades-old slogan of “Advanced Medicine, Trusted Care” to “Death is Inevitable.”

mediocreOther New York hospitals were quick to follow suit, calling the move “brilliant” and “revolutionary.”

Long Island Health replaced “A Transforming, Healing Presence” with “Underpaid, Underachieving,” while Albany Clinic replaced “Exceptional Care, Exceptional People” with “Mediocre Care, Mediocre People.”

New York City General has voted to change its new slogan to “World-Class Healthcare, But Not Here.”  Rochester Hospital hopes to cut to the chase completely, having narrowed down their new slogan to one of two possibilities: “Always Capped” or “Quantity, Not Quality.”

“We really have no choice,” said CEO Michael Winters at Baltimore Medical Center after a 25-second full-body yawn.  “This is what American healthcare has become.  Everyone’s tired.  We’re all so tired.  We all need a break.”

Incidentally, Baltimore Medical Center’s new slogan is “Tired.  So Tired.”

Like Baltimore Medical Center, many new slogans appearing in the Baltimore and Washington, D.C. areas are reflecting fatigue.  New slogans include: “A Union of Indifference and Lazy,” “Compassion, Innovation, Etcetera,” and “We Encourage Nap Time.”

In the Southeast, new hospital slogans are financially motivated.  Atlanta Healthcare proudly advertises their theme “Close to Home, Close to Your Wallet,” while Miami Health Systems has no shame, proclaiming “Struggling to Stay Afloat.”  Other notable slogans in the Southeast include “Where Billing Comes First” and “Cha-ching!”  Birmingham Medical Center took it to the extreme last week by removing their slogan completely and replacing it with the following: “$$$$$$$$.”

In the Midwest, slogans show a little more frustration.  Determined to thwart drug-seeking patients, Chicago Clinic has dropped “A Passion for Putting Patients First” for a more blunt “We’re Out of Dilaudid.”  Milwaukee Medical Clinics adopted a similar tagline, stating more broadly, “We’re Out of Narcotics.”  Both hospitals have noted at least a 400% decrease in emergency room and admission volumes since implementation of the new slogans.

In the Southwest, hospitals have taken a different angle by trying to remain modest at best while focusing on flaws as a major deterrent to patient care.  St. John’s Hospital in Phoenix used to have the slogan “First.  Best.  Always.”  It now reads “Last.  Worst.  Never.”  Albuquerque Medical Center’s new slogan simply says “Meh.”  Taos Hospital went from “The Highest Quality Healthcare” to “Our New Interns Are Pretty Questionable.”  Sante Fe Medical Center simply states “Don’t Come Here.  Really.”

The West Coast is joining the movement too.  Yesterday, California Healthcare’s previous slogan of “We’re in This Together” has been edited and now reads “We’re in This Together, LOL.”  Other hospitals in California, Oregon, and Washington are expected to follow, with sources close to GomerBlog suggesting that one Oregon hospital plans to use “WTF” in its slogan while another Washington hospital plans to “shake things up” by dropping an F bomb.

“This is an important moment in our country’s history,” said President Obama at the White House, with both Democrats and Republicans united in support behind him.  “This is outside-the-box thinking at its finest.  What better way to decrease health care costs than by decreasing health care access and decreasing patient care across the board.”

The President does have a favorite tagline.

“Come on, guys,” said President Obama with a smile.  “You know Chicago’s my hometown.  The Chicago Clinic’s ‘We’re Out of Dilaudid,’ without a doubt.  It’s music to my ears.”

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  • Katie Kuehn

    Sherri Anne

  • Katie Kuehn

    Sherri Anne

  • Casca

    ” We don’t care- we don’t have to- we are VA employees !”

  • Casca

    ” We’re out of Dilaudid “-
    I literally LMFAO !

  • husaria

    Minimal care!

    Wal-hospital-mart!

    Lose money. Live miserably

  • husaria

    We flip our beds faster than a restaurant flips tables on a busy night!

    Always quick care! Not always the best care but VERY quick!

  • Leah Gerard

    There was a real one in Newberry, SC that said, “Almost zero wrong site surgeries!”

  • Audrey Maminta

    I’d like this 2000 times if it were possible. How about “you get what you pay for….”

  • Jody McAleer

    Joe McAleer

  • Roger Price

    “Legislate, administrate, resuscitate.”

  • Rosa Kiser

    Bahahahahaha!!!

  • Roger Price

    “Striving for mediocrity”

  • Roger Price

    “Striving for mediocrity”

  • Susannah Richter Santee

    Karen Shaviv

  • Jody Madden

    How about this version: Cheat death. Go to a different hospital.!

  • Jody Madden

    Oh, yes we have!

  • Jody Madden

    So true!

  • Tim Jancelewicz

    “All interns, all the time.” Or “Our mistakes mean higher bills for you!”

  • Cheryl Peacock

    Why you, why me?

  • Bob Vorhies

    We’ll have to wait on your cold leg, we’re only running 2 rooms right now” (Take down the sign that says “hospital”. ) Jake Breeding Robin Trotman Kyla Hollandsworth

  • Rebecca Simstein Ginsburg

    “We’re out of dilaudid”. Winner.

  • Karen Ressler Levinson

    Art mimics life. Good job.

  • Joseph Robert Lee

    This parody isn’t far from the truth. Our best hospitals which by nature handle the sickest most complicated patients are now subject to multiple nitpicking “quality” measures which are publicized by the media in ways that make them look terrible!

  • Kerri West

    Perfection.

  • Bill Michalides

    Maximum profits!

  • Lea Baker Sparks

    Jenny Crain Means

  • Audrey Jeuck-Jackson

    Oh how I wish this could be real! Love it

  • Jennifer Moore Baker

    Have worked at many hospitals that fit these slogans!

  • Keith Pochick

    “If you like clean, fast, cheerful, and courteous, go to Chick-fil-A.”

  • Keith Pochick

    “Frequently appropriate care, in an occasionally timely manner.”

  • Keith Pochick

    “So many emergencies, so little staff.”

  • Daniel Sturgeon

    “25 second full body yawn”. Haha.

  • Dottie Tucker Shivers

    How about “this is a hospital not a fucking hotel” or maybe “trained to save, not kiss, your ass”

  • Stephanie Hargesheimer Zoll

    Omfg!! “Meh” and “$$$$$$”!!! My hospital should change theirs to something along the lines of “Here, you are just a number.” Or maybe “Expect less. Pay more.” Lmfao!!

  • Joyce Shaffer Halfin

    Lol! Admin. Will tell you they want all these frequent fliers to come back. Hey drug seekers write great reviews to PressGaney if they receive “life changing” medication!

  • Ahmed R. Ibrahim

    Finally!

  • Kelly Hemken

    “We’re Out of Dilaudid.”
    lol brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
    I had trouble choosing my favorite, as they were all funny!

  • The Happy Hospitalist Blog

    LOL. I was going to write a post about the same thing!

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