GomerBlog highlights the major points from tonight’s State of The Medicine Address given by the President of Hospital Administrators, Mr. Cutter Salary.
- Hospitals now have the highest patient satisfaction in the history of healthcare and probably correlates to increased quality of care according to patients and lawmakers.
- WiFi, fast-food restaurants, and pianos are distributed throughout hospital lobbies replacing exam rooms and useless medical equipment.
- Doctors now spend 50% of their time coding which is a vast improvement over last year and has led to spectacular reimbursement rates to enable hiring of more administrators. Remember Caring IS Coding!
- Unnecessary nurse bonuses were removed in a major cost-saving move this year. To save even more money, cuts will start with the nursing staff and end with the nursing staff.
- More paperwork was passed by the Joint Commission providing critical safety measures requiring timeouts before codes to prevent wrong sided CPR.
- Drinks were finally stripped from the nurses station. This year we must continue with stripping any fun or laughter from the station. We don’t want our patients thinking we are making fun of them.
- Breaks are vanishing from the workplace and we need to continue that for our medical providers. Foley catheters were distributed to staff to help our providers perform flawless and uninterrupted care.
- Surgeons are required to perform 3 more surgeries a day and leave when it is dark outside. Skin cancer rates are drastically down in our employees now thanks to this move.
- Patient-to-nurse ratios are at an all-time high providing a challenging and dynamic work environment to our nursing staff, which we know they enjoy.
- Physicians are burning out quicker than ever and we are replacing them with cost-cutting Google University-graduated patients.
- The new Secretary of The Medicine, Dr. Oz, continues to utilize his charismatic charm to educate the public before they come to the hospital.
- And finally, our budget has been passed and includes hiring another 1.2 million hospital administrators to oversee and provide outstanding medical care to our hospitals!
- “God Bless The Medicine and God Bless my obnoxiously large pension!”
