Super Bowl LI shootout
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Super Bowl LI shootout
Shotguns, blitzes, bullets, long bombs… There will certainly be casualties

HOUSTON, TX – Emergency crews and trauma teams in the Houston area are nervous but ready for Sunday night, as experts are expecting a full-fledge shootout involving “shotguns and pistols” between the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots in Super Bowl LI.  The potential for both scoring and trauma due to gunshot wounds is high.  

“Both teams are loaded with weapons, full of firepower, so we might have a bloodbath on our hands, but we’re prepared for it,” explained trauma surgeon George Carlin.  In this year’s conference championships, the Falcons slaughtered Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers 44-21 while the Patriots killed the Pittsburgh Steelers 36-17.  Wounded Packers and Steelers overwhelmed local ERs, with trauma surgeons working overtime.

American Red Cross spokesperson Lee Payne underscored the same concerns.  “We are asking all Houston citizens to donate blood in anticipation of this explosive war that is Super Bowl LI,” Payne implored.  “And don’t forget to tell your friends and family you love them.”

Atlanta and New England were ranked the first and fourth best offenses in the league, respectively, thanks to their aggressive play calling.  As Carlin explained to Gomerblog, quarterbacks Matt Ryan and Tom Brady have been known to “take out” opposing defenses with their “deadly precise aerial assaults” combining a mix of “bullets, bombs, and ground attacks.”  This all but guarantees a black cloud kind of night for Sunday night emergency crews.

“Forget about nickel or dime schemes,” said ESPN broadcaster Jon Gruden.  “I don’t care if [Bill] Belichick or [Dan] Quinn are defensive gurus.  The only thing that’ll help their poor defenders in this shootout are Kevlar vests.”  He added later: “I sure hope they’re all DNR.”

Super Bowl LI shootout tank
Close up of Julio Jones (click to enlarge)

On the Atlanta side, trauma surgeons are paying particular attention to star wideout Julio Jones and running back Devonta Freeman.  Since both are “built like tanks,” trauma teams are worried about crush injuries on the Patriot defensive side and any complications such as rhabdomyolysis, compartment syndrome, or acute limb ischemia.  Said Williams, “Here’s hoping we don’t need to amputate any limbs.”

However, emergency personnel are thankful that Patriot tight end Rob Gronkowski is still sidelined by injury.  “At least we don’t have to worry about deadly the Gronk Spike,” echoed Houston EMT Tanya Johnson.  According to seismologists, the Gronk Spike has reached a magnitude of 9.1 on the Richter scale, equating to total destruction and massive loss of life.

Super Bowl LI shootout
Carnage and death after a typical Gronk Spike

“Let’s hope it doesn’t go into sudden death either,” added Williams.  “I hate working Super Bowl Sunday.”

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