We, at Gomerblog, are excited to announce the official list of nominees for the new Seven Blunders of the Medical World. Modeled after the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World and the New Seven Wonders of the World, we felt it was necessary to acknowledge all those horrible ideas and inventions that have contributed to the sh*t show that is our everyday work lives. Meet our useless nominees below, listed in alphabetical order:
The Call Light – The call light is essentially the nurse’s pager. The only time the call light isn’t pressed is when the patient is dead. Otherwise, it is pressed every single damn time. Especially when the nurse just walks out of the room.
CRP & ESR – What’s the point, really? It’s gonna be elevated. You know it and we know it.
The Da Vinci Surgical Robot – When a $2 million piece of machinery is used primarily as a coat hanger or to shovel snow and make ham and cheese sandwiches, you can safely say it qualifies as a blunder.
Dilaudid (Hydromorphone) – Yeah, the opioid epidemic. How’s that working out?
The EHR – As much as we wanted to list Information Technology (IT) as one of the nominees, their existence is due to EHRs. As much as we want to blame them, face it: they’re just a sucky solution to an even suckier problem. It is thanks to EHRs that the 4-letter-word vocabulary of health care professionals is so robust.
The Friday Afternoon Consult – What is this bullsh*t? You couldn’t figure between Monday 8 AM and Friday 4:50 PM that you needed our help? Seriously?!
The Pager – Imagine taking the high voltage used to execute someone in an electric chair and divide it into short bursts discharged into a health care professional’s hip. That’s essentially the pager. THE F**KING WORST.
Pain as the 5th Vital Sign – Let me ask once again: the opioid epidemic, how’s that working out?
Patient Satisfaction Score – As if it wasn’t bad enough to have pain as a vital sign, then the patient satisfaction score had become a waveform. Hey, Admin, maybe acknowledge health care professionals once in a while? If you do, you might notice we’re burning out in record numbers.
The Pyxis Machine – Nurses, how do you do it? Flanked on one side by the call light and on the other by the Pyxis. Talk about a rock and a hard place!
Troponin – Good God, why did we have to create the troponin? Gomerblog remains convinced it was created by Emergency Medicine in order to have a fullproof plan to get someone admitted. “Hey, the troponin’s up, we need to admit.” Of course it’s up, it’s always f**king up!
If you’d like to submit a nomination for one of the Seven Blunders, let us know and why. We’ll announce the official Seven Wonders of the Medical World at some point in the future. When? When we find a crystal ball, we’ll let you know.