‘Twas the night before Joint Commission, when all thro’ the ER
Not a beverage was open not, even a beer;
The EMRs were all filled with useless notes on nursing care,
In fear that Joint Commission soon would be there;
The patients were nestled all snug in their beds,
While nurses frantically high dusted instead,
And administrators in their ‘kerchief’s and surgeons in AORN-approved bouffants,
Had just settled in after their JC rain dance.
When out in the parking lot there arose a small horde,
Security checked every briefcase and clipboard.
Away to the wards they flew like a (very slow) flash
Tore open the EMR and started to gnash.
The timeouts documented and med recs did show
This hospital was fit to care for all people fo’ sho.
The inspection was going great it did appear
Until at a glance it was noted the intern’s white coat hadn’t been washed in a year.
The JC Nazi’s spun up and raged amazingly quick
Not caring how many times the hospital cured the sick
More rapid than eagles the findings they came
As they whistled and shouted and wrote them by name:
“Now! Expired gauze, now! Cardboard on the bottom shelves!
And unaddressed pain scores, and patients wiping themselves!”
“To the top of the hospital where administrators hide!
We shut down their hospital and end their fun ride!”
As dry leaves in the wile hurricane fly,
When they met another finding, mount to the sky;
So up to the top floor the pantsuits they flew,
With clipboards full of findings and the poor intern too:
And then in a twinkling, they approached the roof
The whole crew of bureaucrats marched quite aloof.
As they walked into the offices where the hospital bosses are found
The CEO, CFO, and head nurse all hit their knees to the ground.
“Please don’t flunk us or we’ll all lose our cake jobs
We’re not qualified to do anything else,” said both of the Bobs.
A bundle of bribes and a potluck laid out at their feet
The JC weenies walked into a conference room to meet.
Their eyes, how they twinkled, their moles so hairy,
Their mouths salivated at the thought of their quarry.
Their droll little mouths were drawn up in matching sneers
As their Bulgari glasses nearly fell off of their ears.
Their clipboards all covered in red ink, they were livin’
The arbitrary rules broken could not be forgiven.
The hospital failed to follow every frivolous regulation
They couldn’t be allowed to continue in this nation.
Where did they get this sort of absolute power?
Why were hospitals so anxious to have JC in all their towers?
A wink of their eyes and a twist of their heads
Soon filled the administrators heart with dread.
They spoke not a word, but all gave sly smirks
Where did Joint Commission find so many pretentious jerks?
And checking one more box on their cover sheet page
The weenies failed the hospital and started a rage.
They left with their heads still far up their own asses
Sure that their knowledge was greater than the masses.
Evidence was something to be ignored they all knew,
Who needs studies when you have a BSN too?
But I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight
Happy Inspection to all enjoy your miserable plight!